Boogie Chillen
November 7, 2006

By special request, today's Boogie is really one of my patented RDUs (Ridiculously Detailed Update). I used to do Friday updates and am, apparently, physically incapable of simply recapping a show by pointing out a few highlights, so here goes!

SWEEPS PARTY CLEANUP

As busy waiters clean up, Erica gushes to Bianca about what a WONDERFUL party it was. [As you may recall, the hottest star that could get to launch their sweeps period with is Donny Osmond, who is starring on Broadway in "Beauty and the Beast". Why is HE the hottest star they could get? Because B&TB is a Disney vehicle and Disney owns ABC] Bianca agrees, but is disappointed that the rest of their party (Kendall, Jack, Josh) had to leave early, especially Uncle Jack. Erica (who is wearing a bright red dress in honor of Lily not being there) says that Jack called and Lily is fine, which is all that matters. Other than hugging Bianca, Erica, while flapping her arms like crazy, is really only flapping the lower arms -- her upper arms are held so rigidly to her sides that you'd think she was a Riverdancer with a couple of broken hinges. Erica flatters Jeff, appreciative of his escorting skills. Bianca, slightly uncomfortable with what might be an undercurrent of romantic interest between Erica and her first ex-husband, offers to stick around and help Erica with after-party loose ends. Erica declines and sends her on home. Erica does a slow spin, looking at the twinkling lights in the trees and reflectively declares to Jeff: "This was such a glorious night. I guess the party's over." Jeff: "Not if you don't want it to be."

PINE VALLEY HOSPITAL

Jack stares morosely at Lily, who is asleep (she has been sedated in order to be treated) with a bandaged hand. He tells her that her stitches will be out in about two weeks and that he's sure that, when she wakes up, she'll tell him how many hours and seconds it will be until then. He lays a purple flower on her torso. [Am I the only one creeped out that that? It's too much like a funeral ritual for my tastes.] He assures her that everything will be just fine (but the look on his face says otherwise). Then he notices Jonathan's worried face pressed up against the window like a street urchin looking into a bakery window.

CASA DE CHANDLER

Krystal sits by the phone waiting for a report on JAR from anybody but the cops or the coroner. Sydney walks in with a round hatbox full of stolen trinkets that she found in her room. She accuses Colby if trying to set her up for stealing (and she's RIGHT). Colby walks in and pretends to be indignant (with a grin on her face) about Sydney stealing from her family after all they've done for the pathetic little stray. Krystal tells Sydney that she's in the clear and to go to bed. She shoves Colby into a chair and tells her to take what she's got coming.

FUSION ROOFTOP

Babe yells at Josh for breaking his repeated promises not to try to ruin her marriage by saying anything to JAR about them. Josh says JAR didn't buy it ANYWAY because he believes in Babe, so why is she there slapping HIM instead of at home kissing JAR? She says she just wants to make sure that he's still BREATHING! Josh: "JAR finally DID buy it -- you're scared out of your mind!"

JOSH'S HOTEL ROOM

JAR paces after consuming a minimum of 12 little hotel refrigerator bottles of whiskey. [Do hotels routinely stock THAT much whiskey in the minibars?] JAR keeps remembering things like David taunting him about Josh laughing at him behind his back, finding Babe's dress on the floor of the Fusion office, and finding a naked Babe on the Fusion rooftop. He suddenly gets a notion to go somewhere and yanks the door open, only to find Bianca on the other side. I'd say she was about to knock, but her hands were at her side as she starts to walk in, so I think she was just going to do what everyone else in PV does and simply barge on in [because the very upscale PV Inn doesn't HAVE automatic locks on their doors and no one has enough manners to even CONSIDER actually KNOCKING on a door -- these people have SERIOUS boundary issues].

JAR is somewhat fuzzy from drinking, but for some reason he doesn't seem to have the usual murderous, vengeful, vicious and generally asshole-ish demeanor that he normally has when he's stone cold sober and HAPPY. [This momentarily throws me for a loop] Bianca asks what HE's doing there. After a slightly too long pause due to drunkenness, he says he's just hanging out and watching Kimmel (which, let me guess, is an ABC show? Yes. What a coincidence! AND he's hosting the American Music awards in a couple of weeks on ... what station was that? Oh yes: ABC] He says there's always room for one more. Then he gets a slightly angry/defensive look on his face as he realizes that Bianca has spotted his massive collection of empty little whiskey bottles. Bianca turns and accuses him of being drunk! JAR ominously says: "And you're here -- lucky you!" He slams the door.

SWEEPS PARTY CLEANUP

Erica and Jeff sit on the edge of a ridiculously small stage (it's about the size of my front door). They laugh while remembering silly film clips from the show. Erica is very happy in a subdued kind of way. She's VERY satisfied with the way things have been going with the show and with the party. She feels that she's really CONNECTED with herself -- or rather RE-connected. Jeff looks deep into her eyes and says that HE felt the connection too. [I feel no connection whatsoever] He reaches out and caresses her face. Then he leans in for a kiss and Erica starts to lean toward him, too. Just before they make a MUTUAL connection, Adam walks in and declares them to be REVOLTING! Adam: "I guess depravity must run in the DNA. You destroy YOUR family while your son destroys MINE."

CASA DE CHANDLER

Krystal tells Colby that the whole Chandler family is about ready to go kaboom, and all SHE can do is think about HERSELF. Colby calmly [WAAAY too calmly for someone we've nicknamed "Shrillby"] says that she's merely thinking about all the stuff Sydney stole from them and how she should be PUNISHED. Sydney, who is still hanging around, accuses Colby of framing her. Krystal says something tells her that if they dusted the loot for fingerprints, they'd find a whole bunch that matches COLBY's mitts. Colby blandly says: "Ok, fine. Take her side. I should've known that you trailer-trash girls would stick together." [I'm perplexed -- we've NEVER seen Colby this calm and blase' about getting her own way -- there must be a new director today. Don't get me wrong, I can hardly STAND Colby's usual screaming fits, but this sudden about-face is kind of odd. Everything is as matter-of-fact as a bowl of cornflakes.] Krystal informs her that she's flirting with disaster -- pushing a pregnant woman with a load on her mind. [I helpfully suggest that Krystal dump that load by making a visit to the powder room.] She tells Colby that she's a pain in the rear, but her father loves her to pieces ANYWAY, so why is she so hell-bent on booting everyone else from his life?

FUSION ROOFTOP

Josh tries to grab Babe, but she ducks away from him and snarls that she won't let him rip on her husband -- this is about what JOSH did! He said JAR didn't believe him -- what changed? She informs him that she couldn't lie when asked point-blank about their affair. He tells her not to lie to him -- if she told JAR about them, it's because she WANTED to! He says she SOOOOO WANTS to end her marriage -- this is where IT ends and she and HIM start -- for REAL! He grabs her arms. She denies it, but, with jaws clenched, looks tearfully defiant in a frightened-because-it-might-be-true kind of way.

Babe yanks away from him with an odd grimace that looks more like a smile than a look of scorn. She asks if he thinks he can stab her in the back and then just KISS it all away. Surprised, he says he did it for HER! He didn't have a CHOICE! She begs to differ, saying he just wanted to rub it all in JAR's face and that it was his plan all ALONG! He SWORE to her that he would keep his mouth shut and move on with his life! He protests that that was only if she still wanted a marriage (Babe: "I DO!"), if JAR was really going to change (Babe: "He HAS!"), if she was still SAFE with him (Babe: "I AM!"). Josh points out that she ran over there to make sure that he wasn't dead, which proves that she's anything BUT safe. Josh: "Nobody is with JAR on the warpath! He is out there RIGHT NOW full of HATE, ***CRAVING*** revenge and you KNOW it!" [True, Josh, but he wouldn't be doing that just now if YOU hadn't goaded him into it -- so much for your concern for BABE's safety!] Babe tearfully insists that she and JAR have an AMAZING future together [AMAZING: 1. To affect with great wonder; astonish. 2. Obsolete. To bewilder; perplex. Okay, I'll go along with that description -- their marriage is sure to be struck with wonder (God knows people will wonder why on EARTH either of them stay with each other and it IS bewildering and perplexing)] and she will NOT let Josh mess that up! Josh says he'll do whatEVER it takes to get her away from JAR, because JAR WILL hurt her again eventually. He says the whole JAR transformation thing is an ACT -- he saw it in his eyes! Josh: "It's -- he's EVIL! He is SICK!" Babe refuses to believe him and demands to know why he's DOING this to her. He says he LOVES her. Babe: "Then please let me GO!" Josh: "Back to a guy who SMILES when he talks about ripping people's heads off? To a guy who gets a sick THRILL out of stomping on people's hearts? You're going to stand there and tell me -- right here where you and I made love, where you TOLD me that you loved me -- and say that THAT'S the guy that you want to be with?" Babe: "YES!!! Yes! I love JAR! I want to find him, I want to hold him, I want -- I want to make sure that he's ok, so WHY aren't you listening to me? JAR is my LIFE!" [Note to Babe: You need a hobby]

JOSH'S HOTEL ROOM

JAR laughs and tells Bianca that Josh isn't really there, but he'll send him her way when he tracks him down, although he doubts Josh'll make it. Bianca asks what he wants with Josh. JAR says he just wants to compare notes about what it's like with Babe in the sack. He plops onto the bed and wonders how many times they did it right THERE -- it's a step up from the Pine Cone, where Babe PRETENDED to do Josh to ditch Jamie, only Babe really DID Josh -- isn't that hilarious? [JAR is still relatively calm and relaxed] Bianca thinks it's time to call Adam to come and pick him up. JAR: "Oh, COME ON, lighten up! Babe's an equal opportunity slut! She staged some hot LESbo action with you! I only wish you two would've gone all the way and got naked -- I mean, talk about hot!" He closes his eyes to savor the image. Bianca looks annoyed, but slightly abashed. Eyes still closed, JAR says: "Hold on a second -- I just want to get a visual." Bianca leaps for the phone, but he quickly reaches for her and quietly says: "Oh, yeah. I WOULDn't do that if I were you." She gives him a tight-lipped, withering look and he yanks the phone away and hangs it up, saying: "I SAID I wouldn't do that if I were you." He jerks the phone cord out of the wall, neatly wraps it around the phone and then throws the wrapped phone across the room (in a sissy-girl, underhand pitch). Bianca flinches and stares open-mouthed at him. He paces, stroking his chin and calmly tells her that SOMEONE has to PAY. It KILLS him, but somebody ALWAYS has to pay.

PINE VALLEY HOSPITAL

Jonathan has taken a seat outside Lily's room. Jack comes out and Jonathan jumps up to ask how she is (Amanda had called him). Jack says she's fine, but she'll be waking up soon, so Jonathan should go in NOW, BEFORE she wakes up, if he wants to see for herself that she's all right. Jonathan realizes that if she sees him, she'll ... Jack nods. Dejected, Jonathan turns to leave and nearly runs into Sean, who taunts him with the fact that he and Amanda, who is with him, BOTH have sodas, which technically means that they are having a drink together. Consequently, he requests a little heads-up if Jonathan feels another freakout coming on. Amanda closes her eyes in a here- we-go-again-and-it's-too-late-NOW gesture. Due to choppy editing, the scene quickly jumps to Jack sitting down with Brooke, who informs him that she was alarmed when Amanda called her [Why would Amanda call HER?] and that all she could hear were the words "knife" and "hand". Then the camera shows Amanda talking to a nurse behind the desk. Sean is next to her and Jonathan is nowhere to be seen. Jack says that it was a helluva nice thing Brooke did by inviting Amanda to come and live with her. [When did THAT happen? Never mind, I don't really care.] Brooke returns the compliment about Jack taking SEAN in. She says Sean is a handsome guy and Jack will have his hands full. Jack agrees, but says he likes it and likes the full house and hearing all the voices and having to referee the kids, etc. [even though it drove Erica to live somewhere else for the time being?] She asks if he enjoyed ANY of Erica's party. Jack says no. Brooke: "You BOLTED on the QUEEN? [she gasps] When is the beheading, because I REALLY want to cover it for Tempo!" He assures her that it as nothing like that -- in fact, Erica nearly went running out of there to be with Lily when she found out about it [good thing she DIDN'T with that bright red dress on]. He grimaces when he tells Brooke that Erica had Jeff Martin as a backup escort. Brooke wonders if Jeff has a special beeper to wait for a call for substitution. Jack says that, actually, HE was the substitute -- Jeff was in the starting lineup because Jack was supposed to be out of town. She's glad it all worked out. Jack snorts: "I can hear you THINK! You kill me! You're sitting there thinking Erica's the kind of woman that needs CONSTANT male attention and you know what? Maybe you're right. Maybe she needs those things the way you and I have to have OXYGEN to breathe, but even if that is true, ok, if that is the case, she's CERTAINLY not going to let a thing like that get to her and take it to a whole other level, you know?" Brooke gulps slightly: "No, of course not." Jack: "Erica and I are fine, we're just FINE." [Judging by the way his forehead is so severely creased by no less than FIVE furrows, I'd say Jack has NOT succumbed to the current Botox trend]

SWEEPS PARTY CLEANUP

Erica thanks the waitstaff. Meanwhile, Adam is filling in Jeff Martin: "Erica is a remarkable mother. She didn't WANT her son, she didn't RAISE her son, but she managed to MOLD him in her own image -- a philandering HOME-wrecker!" Jeff bristles and tells Adam: "One more word and I'll wreck YOU!" Erica: "What do you want with Josh?" Adam (who for some inexplicable reason keeps patting his right cheek, like part of it is flapping in the wind and he's trying to keep it stuck to his face -- I'm wondering if he has a toothache): "A word -- about keeping his LOINS away from my son's WIFE. Your degenerate offspring already SEDUCED Babe, and now my son's marriage could go up in FLAMES at any moment!" Erica and Jeff assure him that, whatever Josh did, THEY'll handle it. Adam laughs and thinks that's just PRECIOUS -- Mama Lech and Daddy Lech defending Baby Lech! Josh isn't in his room, and Adam wants to know where that WEASEL is -- NOW! Jeff bites out his words as he says the he and Erica will deal with their son. He instructs Adam to GO HOME and deal with his own. Adam looks conflicted and uncertain. Erica guesses that he doesn't KNOW where JAR is. She asserts that JAR is on a rampage now because of Babe and there's no TELLING whom he'll hurt NOW!

JOSH'S HOTEL ROOM

Bianca, frightened now, weaves a little as she asks JAR what he means by "Somebody has to pay". Ominous, suspenseful music plays. JAR's face twitches a little and his jaw clenches as he asks: "Isn't it OBVIOUS?" The music gets more suspenseful. Bianca is stock still with fear. JAR, casually, says that someone has to pay ... for the minibar because he cleaned that sucker out. Yeah, he's rich, but why should HE have to pay -- after Josh did Babe, doesn't JAR **DESERVE** to have a drink? Or 12? What does Bianca think? She thinks it's late and she's going to get him a room so he can sleep this off. She heads toward the door, but he blocks her way, asking if they aren't having fun. Disgusted, Bianca says that, on second thought, she'll ask the manager to let JAR sleep right there in that room [never mind that all of JOSH'S stuff is in it], and to not restock the mini-bar and to post someone outside the room so JAR doesn't sleepwalk his way into trouble. SHE has to get back to her DAUGHTER! JAR looks momentarily stunned, then gets soppy about Miranda, the most beautiful little girl he's ever seen. He waxes on about a child coming into the world pure and innocent and how, in the beginning, everything is BEAUTIFUL. He sits on the bed and gutturally whispers: "But it doesn't STAY that way! No matter WHAT you do, there is no HOPE! There's no TRUST! There's no LOVE!" He nods sagely to himself and says: "Someone has to pay." Bianca is mute, afraid to make a move one way or another. JAR, starting to sound slightly clearer (you know, more like his usual SOBER asshole self): "Did you KNOW about Josh and Babe?" He stares. Bianca gulps and says that it's none of her business -- this is between him and his WIFE -- and his AA group. JAR jumps up, points at her and says he thinks maybe she DID know -- in fact, he thinks maybe she put Josh UP to it! He's not STUPID!!! [I have to STRONGLY disagree with THAT statement] He SEES what's going on! Bianca flatly tells him that he's had too much to drink. JAR starts to rant over and over about LIES AND SECRETS. He paces, then yells at Bianca, saying she and Kendall put HIM ("him" being JAR) up to it to get revenge! She tells him he needs to sit down. He's just getting started though. JAR picks up a heavy glass from the dresser and yells: "NO! I hurt YOU, I hurt your SISTER ... The Kane girls have hatched a plan to get back at me and TAKE MY MARRIAGE, RIP MY HEART UP TO SHREDS, AND WATCH ME *****BLEED*****!!!" He slams the glass against the side of the dresser (which would normally cause a glass of that thickness to simply rebound). The glass shatters like every other poorly constructed item in Pine Valley. Bianca looks stunned. Blood runs down JAR's right hand. He calmly says: "And guess what -- it worked. Oh. I'm bleeding plenty." [Once again, he's TOO calm -- he kind of reminds me of the twin that plays the nearly catatonic version of Little Adam.] JAR is all over the map with this one in a probably should-be-institutionalized kind of way.

FUSION ROOFTOP

Babe insists that JAR is in PAIN and he NEEDS her! She starts to leave, but Josh, in manly soap tradition, grabs her arm. She takes her arm away from him. Josh says she CAN'T save or FIX JAR and that she needs to start thinking about her son! What kind of a man is Little A going to grow up to be if he's RAISED by JAR? With just a hint of a grim smile, Babe informs him that her Mama told her not to play with fire, and she should have LISTENED to her -- she never should have let her guard down. She should have pushed him away. What the HELL was she THINKING? [An apt question] She leans on the balcony and closes her eyes with emotional pain. Josh tells her back that she was thinking that she wanted to be with someone who sees her for the incredible woman that she is. [Pardon me while I BARF -- she's 'incredible', all right] Babe shakes her head and whispers "No". She wonders why she didn't LIE just one more time -- she could have saved her marriage and her family -- she could have saved EVERYONE, and now it's too late! [oh boo hoo] The tears fall gracefully down her face, but her makeup stays firmly plastered on.

JOSH'S HOTEL ROOM

Bianca hands JAR a towel for his hand (apparently she's somewhat less petrified now) and tells him that his imagination is working overtime. He asks if that's a French thing or a gay thing, that cool, calm and collected thing. France is great -- he and Babe went there once. He notes that Bianca speaks French and, grandly gesturing, says: "Notre amour ne meure jamais." Bianca translates: "Our love will never die." JAR: "That's what I told Babe on our trip. But our marriage bit the big one when she started to voulez-vous couchering avec Josh. He grins and tosses the towel up in the air, whooping: "Ooo-la-la!" Bianca, out of patience, picks up a cellphone and starts to dial. He jumps up and reminds her that he said NO PHONES! She doesn't even turn around as she tells him that she's done there. He grabs the phone away and nastily says that he's NOT! She tells him she's NOT afraid of him. She'll scream and they'll throw him in JAIL! He steps up nearly nose-to-nose and quietly asks her: "What if it's too late?" She stares.

After the commercial, JAR still has the phone, but has taken a step back. Bianca: "You want to know if it's too late, JAR? We talked about that once, remember? About being survivors. About not repeating our parents' mistakes. About HONORING our children. And *I* told *YOU* that I believed in you, and that the old JAR that I used to know didn't have to be lost FOREVER. Because you could make different choices. BETTER choices. Is THIS what you choose? Is this how you want to honor your SON? If so, then yeah -- it's WAY too late for you, JAR!" He looks lost and seems sincere as he sits down and says he HATES what he did to her and Kendall. They're his BEST FRIENDS -- the best ones that he's ever had. And he used to have SUCH a crush on Kendall. He remembers their talks over beers about their crazy lives and parents, and he wonders whatever happened to that. He tears up as he says he misses it. Bianca says she misses it, too. He suddenly jumps up, paces and yells that BABE did this to him -- she made him lose his friends and his MIND -- she pushed him to the BRINK every single time! Bianca tells him that he's doing this to HIMSELF! He raggedly yells that he's done NOTHING but try to make this situation right! Bianca yells: "STOP IT!!! Don't you DARE play innocent victim with ME!!!" She's getting really wound up now: "JAR, the 'WOUNDED'! JAR, the 'WRONGED'!!! It's not REAL! YOU're what's wrong! You LASH out, and you HURT people, and you cause WORLDS of pain! And **THEN**, you always land on your feet! No lessons learned, no time done! [Cut him some slack, Bianca, NO ONE on soaps EVER learns their lesson and they do precious little (if any) time for their dastardly deeds.] And NOW, after ***EVERYTHING*** that you have done, you want somebody to HOLD YOUR HAND??? [she's SERIOUSLY pissed off now, folks] FOR--GET--IT!!! Life SSSSSUCKSSSS!! Life is TOUGH!! So DEAL with it!" JAR stares, jaws moving ever-so-slightly under the surface. Bianca: "Stop RANTING and RAVING and turning yourself into a MONSTER! This is NOT a French thing. It's not a GAY thing. It's just GOOD ADVICE!!! TAKE IT!"

FUSION ROOFTOP

Babe quietly says: "I did this." She walks over and sits down. Josh rushes over and insists that NONE of this is her fault! [yes it is] She's a beautiful, smart, amazing woman! [no she's not] JAR is an IDIOT! [gotta agree with THAT assessment] Does she see what JAR is DOING to her? THIS is her life with him! Babe stares out into the abyss and muses that JAR had said that if they just loved each other, then no one could get in their way. Josh: "Babe, if that was true, then why would he CARE what happened to us? [Huh? Why would JAR care that you FUCKED HIS WIFE? Silly JAR, being upset over such a minor matter!] What you have with him should be unTOUCHable. [All things considered, I think all THREE of them should be untouchable unless latex gloves are first applied.] It should be unBREAKable, no matter WHAT! Like the other night. You and him were about to make love." Babe's head whips around. Uh-oh. Josh: "I don't CARE. I still don't care. [Oh THAT's big of you.] All *I* care about is how we FEEL for each other." She asks how he knows that -- did JAR *TELL* him that they were about to make love? Josh says no, he HEARD. That takes a moment to sink in. He was LISTENING to them in their BEDROOM in their HOME??? She stands up and backs away from him. He stands up and follows. [He's kind of dense, isn't he?] She stands there staring at him and shaking her head, repeating "No" over and over again as he desperately tries to explain that he did it out of concern for HER after Hayward ratted them out to JAR. He says he would have backed off and done what she'd wanted, but Hayward kept drilling it into his head how DANGEROUS JAR was. Babe yells "NOOOO!!!" She snarls that he didn't do it out of concern for HER -- he did it out of concern for his own EGO! JAR told him that he couldn't have her and he just HAD to prove him WRONG! Josh chooses to go all self-righteous and asks if she REALLY thinks that's who he IS. Babe: "You SNEAK into my house? You eavesdrop on private, INTIMATE conversations? I have NO clue who you are!" Josh: "I HAD TO BE SURE!" Babe: "No, you had to **WIN**!" He asks her not to do this. Babe: "You and I are **OVER**" She tries to leave and he, once again, grabs her. He says she COULD have lied to JAR if she had wanted to, but she DIDN'T -- she wanted to find out the truth, too. She wanted to find out if JAR had REALLY changed or if he was STILL the same PSYCHO that he's always been. She insists that she told JAR the truth because he TRUSTED her with everything that was in him [well, THAT'S not saying much, is it, considering that what is IN him is a seething mass of hatred, a putrid stench of evil, and just a dash of hurt little boy tossed in to throw her off the scent, which is understandably masked somewhat by the stench of her OWN inner core of deceit and moral decay -- oh and her "big heart" -- and Fusion lipgloss]. There's no WAY that she could SPIT on that trust! [too late now, you adultering, bigamous, kidnapping, lying, cheating, little whore with a big heart of fool's gold] Josh points out the obvious (that she already DID) -- the only difference now is that JAR *KNOWS*.

CASA DE CHANDLER

Krystal leaves yet another message on Babe's cellphone, begging her to call her. Colby mocks Mama and Baby-Doll, saying they should sell a boxed set of figurines at the 99-cent tramp store. Krystal tells her to give it a rest -- her head is SPLITTING! Colby, arms folded, tells her to take a hike -- or better yet, crack open the safe and hand over $10K and SHE'll take a hike (it's not clear if she means for the evening or for good). Krystal confides that she KNOWS what Colby is doing -- cranking up the sass and taking potshots at her and Babe, all to keep her Daddy's attention. Colby stares. Krystal informs her that she HAS her Daddy's attention, and not because she runs around like a brat out of Hell, but because she's his DAUGHTER, and his love for her is THERE -- ALWAYS. Colby snorts and plops down on the sofa in a mild snit. Krystal says that that is the great thing about the heart -- it just keeps expanding to make room for ALL the people that you love [that's not a great thing according to WebMD.com -- an expanding heart usually spells BIG trouble!] She says that Adam's heart is bigger than ever, but there's ALWAYS going to be a spot that says "Reserved For Colby", and no matter HOW many new additions the family takes on, NOBODY is ever going to be able to take that from her. Colby calmly says that the Babe and Josh situation isn't the ONLY family secret -- she KNOWS about Krystal and Tad, too.

PINE VALLEY HOSPITAL

Sean looks at Amanda and then walks uncertainly out of the waiting area. Jonathan, on the other side of the room, gets up and walks over to her. She's doing something with her cellphone (texting?). She doesn't look up. He thanks her for calling to tell him about Lily -- he was surprised to see Amanda's number pop up on his phone after what he did to her at BJ's. She still doesn't look up, but politely says she called because she thought he'd want to know. He appreciates it. She finally puts the phone down and stands up to face him. She tells him she stopped by the Montgomery house to check in on Lily and all this stuff about Jonathan came up -- Lily wanted to know if Amanda and Jonathan were going out and said that they SHOULD because they were so much alike. Jonathan looks a little sad. Amanda says she tried to tell her no, that LILY and Jonathan belonged together, but it just made it worse, and Lily got SO upset! Amanda says that it CRUSHED her (Amanda) and it landed Lily in the ER. Amanda: "Second-best friends, friends with benefits -- I can't even do 'friends' anymore. And it makes me sad for all of us."

Jackson paces and tells Brooke that he badly wants things to go back to NORMAL [i.e., being an adoring lapdog to Erica while Erica basks in the glow]. Brooke is sure Erica will come back home and life will go back to usual. She WILL be coming home, soon, right? Jackson says OF COURSE she will -- VERY soon.

SWEEPS PARTY CLEANUP

Erica, Jeff and Adam are still going at it. Erica: "Don't you DARE blame Josh! Have you FORGOTTEN that your APOCALYPSE of a son tried to KILL his WIFE?" Adam: "Josh has been sssslithering around my family nonstop, hell-bent on destroying all of us!" Jeff asks if his SON is in danger. Adam: "Well, I wouldn't know. I would imagine there are probably thousands of enemies out there looking for him right now." Jeff vows to find Josh before JAR does and makes a hasty exit. Erica blames Adam for everything. He tells her not to blame HIM for her OWN dalliance. She congratulates him on creating a whole new generation of criminals. Colby is a liar and JAR is a wannabe murderer. Erica: "You're a CURSE on your children -- you've DOOMED them ALL!" Adam looks sad, hurt, slightly contemplative and vaguely (VERY vaguely) insulted.

FUSION ROOFTOP

Babe, looking shell-shocked, slowly backs away from Josh, saying that she just doesn't want anyone to be hurt. She doesn't want to see JAR behind bars. [You're in the minority THERE] She looks questioningly and pleadingly at Josh. Josh steps closer and intensely states that JAR will NOT use her as an excuse to hurt anyone else. [Yeah, dream on.] Babe blinks back more tears, looking lost and uncertain. Josh exits the roof [Regrettably, he uses the door to do so.]

JOSH'S HOTEL ROOM

JAR finds nuts in the minibar, but spills them all over the carpet. As he picks peanuts off the carpet, Bianca recaps for the alcohol- impaired, stating that JAR tried to KILL his wife, and she took him BACK. JAR stands, cavalierly saying that Babe lied. He earnestly asks Bianca if she knows that he gave up all his shares of Chandler stock to Babe AND gave her full custody of Little Adam, just to prove how sorry he was and how much he loved her. He seems to be having trouble navigating the peanut jar with his bloody left hand (splotched by the wound on the right one]. He leans closer and confides that Babe made him look like a FOOL -- she AND Josh. BTW, where IS Bianca's brother? He really wants to have a chat with him. Bianca tells him to leave Josh out of it [I don't THINK so]. She says that if Babe leaves him, it's not because of Josh, it's because of HIM and who he is right now -- a guy who thinks that a bottle of BOOZE gives him a license to KILL. Bianca scornfully tells him that when he was up on attempted murder charges, she asked Babe how she could POSSIBLY stand by him. JAR: "SHUT -- UP!!" Bianca continues, saying that she was AFRAID for Babe and that she told Babe that she was being DELUSIONAL if she thought JAR could possibly CHANGE. He stares at her like a perplexed, slightly tipsy puppy. Bianca: "But you know what she SAID to me? She said that the ANGRY, VIOLENT JAR was GONE -- that you were a GOOD man. She didn't make a fool out of YOU, JAR. YOU're the one who made a fool out of HER!" JAR steps closer and, hurt to the core, insists that Babe said she LOVES him. Bianca looks scornfully disbelieving in mock surprise. JAR pushes it further and YELLS: "SHE SAID THAT SHE LOVED ME, AND SHE ***LIED***!!!" Erica suddenly materializes at the door, adding a festive splotch of bright (not to mention tightly corseted) red to the muted green room. She points at JAR and thunderously (well, as thunderously as someone with such a tiny chest cavity CAN thunder -- it's more like a light Spring shower, really) orders him to stay away from her daughter!

PINE VALLEY HOSPITAL

Jack walks into Lily's room and says hello. Lily is awake, but looks somewhat out of it. He explains that she's in the hospital because she hurt her hand. She looks glum. Jonathan stares through the window as Jackson assures her that she'll be better soon. She blinks slowly. Jonathan walks away from the window and walks across the room. Amanda watches him with sympathy and yearning.

JOSH'S HOTEL ROOM

Erica is in mama pit-bull mode as she prances over to stand next to Bianca and yell at JAR: "You are DRUNK and you are disGUSTing. And I don't give a damn WHAT Babe did to you! Go to a meeting! Go to -- go to a MILLION meetings, preferably on another PLANET! I'll stand RIGHT HERE till you sober up if I have to. But one thing is for SURE. You will NEVER hurt anyone I love AGAIN. After a split-second stare-down, JAR snidely says: "Wow. Mother-daughter tag team. Yeah. Might be tough ... but I think I could TAKE you."

FUSION ROOFTOP

Babe is sitting on the floor of the rooftop, head down, hugging her knees. She hears the door open and looks up in major startlement, hoping against hope that it's JAR. Adam: "Guess again."

CASA DE CHANDLER

Krystal: "Tad and me, huh?" Colby smiles and assures her that she knows ALL the dirty details ... and the part about JAR's mama? Whew! [what part?] Krystal plops down next to her and matter-of-factly says that Tad was running his big old mouth again -- she always DID tell him to keep his mouth zipped [I'm guessing there were at least a couple of times when she told him to open wide.] Colby: "Well, he DIDN'T zip it. And I know EVERYTHING." Krystal tells her that there's nothing TO know. She attempts to change the subject back to Colby and says: "You know, maybe the reason why you can't feel your father's love is because you can't feel anything at ALL. I mean, the people that you LOVE are in pain, and it could get a HECK of a lot worse. I mean, what if JAR goes off and -- and HURTS someone, or WORSE?" Colby looks puzzled and nonchalantly says: "Babe had sex and JAR got wise. Really, what's the worst that could happen?" [Her non- shrillness and lack of overall hysteria is starting to freak me out. Who IS this bland girl, and what did she do with the real COLBY?]

JOSH'S HOTEL ROOM

JAR slowly (almost sleepily) reaches toward Bianca's face. Erica launches herself at him like a rocket-propelled grenade and shoves him violently across the room. JAR spreads his arms wide to figuratively encompass them both and says: "Well, for such a small thing, you have some big stones. You both do." Erica snarls at him to SHUT his FILTHY mouth! JAR starts moving toward them like a steamroller and the women separate to get out of his way, only to regroup at the door, shutting it and blocking his way. Bianca forcefully tells him that he is NOT leaving the room -- NO ONE is going to suffer tonight because of HIM. He glares at them, iron-jawed. They glare right back, although Bianca looks apprehensive. Erica just looks pissed and determined. Back in full asshole mode, JAR lowers his head like a charging bull. He even paws the ground. He starts toward them and Erica grabs a statuette of a ram with two fairly long, pointy horns (the horns are about a foot long each) and wields it in his direction, demanding that he stay AWAY from them -- AND the door! He feints sharply to his left and back again, trying to dodge them and escape. He matter-of-factly says that it's FINE that they have the door. He takes a running leap and crashes through the glass patio door, shattering it and falling to unknown depths. Erica gasps and protectively enfolds Bianca in her arms.

ON THE NEXT ALL MY CHILDREN ...

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As Erica apprehensively peers over the balcony, Bianca tells someone on the phone that there's been an accident at the Valley Inn. Down below, a man's legs walk up to JAR's unconscious, sprawled body.

Erica rushes through a door to the outside of the hotel. Josh is standing over JAR's body, making no attempt to administer medical aid, and flatly says: "He's still breathing."

Bianca stands next to Erica as they both stand over JAR's body. Erica says: "JAR has done ENOUGH damage to our family -- it has to be OVER."

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "just like old times" Coutellier