Boogie Chillen
May 11, 2004

I used to do AMC Friday updates and had fun "describing" things for people. In an effort to add a little more fun to things, I think I'll start describing things occasionally. Today I'll describe Erica's triumphant aftershow demeanor. Warning -- there is serious risk of hurling if you read any further!

*** SHOWGIRL MODE ON ***

The showgirls exit from the stage (not one of them over 5'5"). Erica exits fourth, throwing her arms in the air with JOY! She's dressed in a sparkling blue and silver 1/2-dress (most of the left side of it is missing) with matching opera-length gloves. She's wearing a thin, lightweight headdress consisting of a single layer of blue and silver feathers, one of which artfully cups around the right side of her face, making me think of a bonnet from Little House On the Prairie.

Rudy follows her, raving about her performance, saying that he BASKS in her reflected GLORY! As usual, he swishes and lisps and flamboyantly waves his arms to and fro in a majorly over-the-top effort to convey that he is gay. Erica squeals and pirouettes. She looks modestly down at the floor and tosses her right shoulder back, then twists back to face him, cooing: "Oooooooooh, Rudy, THANK you, but STOP! I just did what you ASKED me to!" She runs a hand sensuously across her belly and back, the puts up her hands in false protest. Bobby watches as Rudy insists that she has a God-given "oomph" that makes her stand head and shoulders above the herd (of toy poodles?). She simpers and flutters her eyelashes as if blinded by adoring spotlights. Bobby chimes in with agreement of her AMAZING performance. More simpering. Then Erica puts both her hands under her chin and pulls them apart as if she's making a BIG bow out of the aforementioned bonnet strings. Rudy then proceeds to compare one of the other dancers (Sharday) to a Botoxed cow and disses HER performance. Erica giggles and squeals as she does a half-twist simper/dip followed by a forward half-step/back-step, clearly REVELING in the humiliation of an inferior women. As Rudy screeches at the other dancer to stop so he can better berate her performance, Erica squeaks and squeals and happily runs into the dressing room. The hapless Sharday apparently crashes into something in her fruitless effort to get away from Rudy. I share her pain.

Back in the dressing room, Erica bends and hugs another dancer. They break apart and clap their hands with glee. A couple of other showgirls twirl in and out again as Erica again squeals and pirouettes. As Bobby follows her into the room, she sighs with delight, shimmying and shaking and apparently playing invisible tennis using her shoulders as rackets. She tosses her arms up again followed by a breast-thrust. Now she starts twisting back and forth like a squirming little girl who doesn't quite know what to do with herself. Bobby asks if Erica is gone COMPLETELY and if Desiree Dubois has replaced her forever. Erica deflates like a popped balloon and resumes her "poor, morose little me" demeanor.

*** SHOWGIRL MODE OFF ***

I have to say that being a showgirl certainly suits Erica as far as her propensity to prance, preen, simper, coo and squeal. I think she HAS found her calling, at least as far as doing what she LOVES to do. Her behavior reminds me of how Jayne Mansfield used to put on the super-dumb, cooing sex kitten act for the public -- except that with Erica it's NOT an act. I may throw up.

That outfit and wig don't even REMOTELY disguise Erica. She's not even wearing heavy stage makeup to offset the flimsy headdress. The fact that not ONE of the other dancers appears to be over 30 only makes Erica look even OLDER. They managed to find a bunch of short actors to play the other showgirls, but they probably should have made them ALL older if they wanted Erica to stand out. They really have SOME NERVE making catty Botox remarks about one of the OTHER women who has to be at LEAST 25-30 years YOUNGER than Susan Lucci.

How can Tad giggle and poke fun at Jamie when he hears that Mary groped him when, a mere 7 months ago, he and Brooke and even ADAM were APPALLED at Mary trying to seduce their baby boy?

JR proclaims that he's going to make damned sure Babe never sees Bess EVER again. Hmmmm, a bigamist vs a recovering drug addict with a (unfortunately juvenile) rap sheet -- I wonder which one a SANE judge would choose as a "fit" parent.

Robin "why don't they just call it 'All My Baby-Snatchers'" Coutellier