Friday Update
March 8, 2002

PREVIOUSLY ON ALL MY CHILDREN

At SOS Donald Steele oozes up to a waitress he has just overheard on the telephone: "Hayley and Mateo Santos are going to be given a surprise party here tonight?" Sally: "Yeah. Do you know them?" Donald: "How'd you like to make some easy money?"

At the hospital, Jake tells Greenlee (who is comforting Leo): "I can take you home now." Leo: "Go." Greenlee: "Leo --" Leo testily waves her away: "No, I said go."

Maggie whimpers as she starts to awaken from a nightmare: "Frankie?" Vanessa, in her hospital attire, leans over her and snarls: "Guess again!"

SOS

Looks like it's going to be another sappy Friday for Brooke and Edmund. They toast each other, unable to wait for Hayley and Mateo to show up. Edmund is surprised to see that she's not wearing her engagement ring. She fishes the end of her necklace out of her cleavage to reveal the ring on the end of it -- she didn't want to steal the spotlight from Hayley and Mateo [there's a switch]. She says she LIKES keeping it a secret. He points out that she wears it at Tempo. She says Tempo is FAMILY. They smooch. Opal, Stuart and Marian suddenly bounces up to the couple, mercifully ending their kiss. Opal kisses them both and asks if H&M are there yet. They are all giddy at the notion that H&M survived Proteus. [Has it occurred to ANY of them that throwing a party and making a big deal out of it might catch the attention of someone ELSE in the Proteus organization that might want to eliminate witnesses or is just pissed off that H&M put the kibosh on their cash cow?]

Meanwhile, Donald, wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses in the already dim establishment, is on the phone telling someone to sit tight until Ms. Wave and her Donnie-Brasco-wannabe [FBI agent who successfully infiltrated the mob and became one of them] husband show up. Donald plans to make a phone call to a surprise guest that will kick the party into high gear. He walks up to Sally the waitress, hands her the phone and asks if she's ready to make some money. She smiles and says: "Sure!" Donald smirks.

PV HOSPITAL

Dr. Zeke McMillan and Simone walk into a common area and she gushes that she's just happy that he's still talking to her. He says she's his daughter and he loves her. He apologizes for walking away from her. He asks her to have dinner with him. She asks if he wants to be seen in public with her after what she did to Hayley and Mateo. She beats herself up some more about falling in love with Mateo and then getting Chris shot. Her phone rings. He tells her not to use her cell phone in the hospital. She promises to be quick and turn it off after the call. [Why do people think it's okay to take the call even when told to their face not to do it? This happened when I was visiting my mother in the hospital. There were signs all over, especially since it was only 3 doors down from the cardiac wing. Another visitor had a cell phone ring and I earnestly told him he couldn't use the cell phone right now and reminded him of just how close we were to the cardiac wing, but he took the call anyway. My mother is Mormon and he is one of her "home teachers". Some teacher! He visits people in the hospital ALL THE TIME and presumably uses his cell phone there regularly. *I* was not impressed -- I was APPALLED!] It's Sally, inviting her to the party. Sally says Mateo asked her specially to invite her -- it would mean a lot to him! [Simone seems to know about the party, so she should know it's a SURPRISE party and Mateo WOULDN'T know about it] As Sally talks, Donald pantomimes disco dancing. Sally tells Simone to hurry if she doesn't want to miss the fun. Simone, like all the other ill-mannered people in PV, hangs up the phone without saying goodbye. She happily tells Zeke that she thinks Mateo is going to give he a second chance.

SOS

Donald hands Sally some money and says: "Hey, nice going, kid! Maybe when you grow up you'll be ME!" She giggles. Leo walks in with a leggy blonde practically in a hammerlock and ebulliently yells a party-hearty-style "HEY!" to someone. Donald notices and says: "Whoa, whoa! Well, well, well! What do we have here, huh? The son of Proteus drunk with hot babe in tow? How do you spell BONUS?" Sally holding a cell phone and poised to dial, says: "I thought Leo belonged to Greenlee Smythe." Donald: "No, that's why they call this deep dish. Dial, Baby, dial."

GREENLEE'S PENTHOUSE

Jake brings Greenlee, who is reclining on a couch, a cup of chamomile tea. She has changed into a bright red winter sundress and a super- thin matching bracelet. It's an interesting choice of apparel for wearing after nearly being drowned, nearly dying from a drug overdose, freezing for hours on an isolated island, breaking up with her fiance, battling Erica and Kendall at Enchantment, chasing down a murderous drug queenpin, comforting her now ex-fiance at the hospital and then finally dragging her bedraggled ass home. To offset it, her hair is still fairly untidy and loosely pulled back into a droopy tail (albeit with a nice big barrette). Her exquisite teacup and saucer match her dress. [Much as I love the teacup, it would be unsuitable for me, as the gold rim would cause arcing in the microwave] Greenlee mopes about poor Leo's hard day. Unfortunately, Jake has to leave to take care of some things, but wants her to get some sleep in the meantime. After he leaves, the phone rings. It's Sally. She tells Greenlee that Leo is at SOS, drunk, crying like a baby and shouting her name. She urges Greenlee to hurry down there because Leo is in TOTAL meltdown. Donald Steele, in the meantime is practically creaming in his pants with anticipation of the tabloid heaven to follow. Greenlee grabs her handy matching coat and purse and runs out the door.

SOS

Sally tells Donald that that was fun -- what next? He tells her to sit back and wait for the snap, crackle, pop! Meanwhile, partygoers are eagerly rushing into SOS. Mateo and Hayley walk up. Hayley wants to establish some groundrules before they go in, though. They fix the cappuccino machine, and then they go RIGHT HOME -- no schmoozing or boozing. She doesn't want a party -- she wants a party of two IN BED, making LOVE. He says okay. She muses that a lot of bad stuff has gone one in there. He says it's over, but Hayley isn't so sure Vanessa is going to drop it just like that -- she'll want retribution. Mateo promises her that if Proteus has a score to settle, it's not with HIM. [Yeah, it's not like HE had anything to do with it or that people don't want to punch his face even withOUT any reason] Hayley gives him a meaningful look [but I'm not sure what she means].

H&M look into SOS and marvel at the size of the crowd. They happily rush in. Mateo wants to find Sally so he can fix the cappuccino machine. She wonders who Sally is, and he says Sally is new. A waiter goes by and they both notice the CAPPUCINO on the tray. Hayley happily says the machine is fixed, so "Let's GO!" They turn to leave, but all the customers turn to yell "SURPRISE!" [All things considered, isn't SOS considered a crime scene?] They all clap and say they wanted to have a party to let Mateo know how proud and fearless they think he is and that they are glad his life is now back to normal. Opal opines that she can't believe how much time Vanessa spent with Petey, and it gives her the heebie-jeebies [and at first I thought she said it gave PHOEBE the heebie-jeebies]. Hayley says she can't wait to get back to their REAL life and not have to pretend that they are fighting. Mateo agrees, saying he can't wait for them to have their REAL fights. Hayley says it's funny how you forget you are thankful for the "little" things. Stuart says their act didn't fool him for a MINUTE, especially the part about Simone when he walked in on her and Mateo at the condo and Mateo said he didn't love Hayley anymore. They decide to stop talking about all the bad stuff and PAR- TEE! Everyone cheers. Music starts. Edmund does his patented nose- wipe and not-so-nonchalantly asks Mateo if he's forgotten about Simone and her double-cross. Mateo: "The HELL with Simone!" Naturally, Simone, ever hopeful, has walked up at just that moment [although I can't imagine how she was close enough to hear what he said]. Her face falls as Mateo glares at her.

Simone walks closer, her mouth moving, but still silent. As Hayley and Edmund glare at her [whatever happened to Edmund's forgiveness? Of course, Edmund ALWAYS looks like he's glaring, even when he's wiping his nose], Mateo demands to know what she's doing there. Donald stands in his spy-wannabe attire (including trenchcoat) while his photographer aims her camera; Donald turns to watch. Simone tells him about Sally's call. Mateo turns to yell for Sally. From the other side of the bar, Leo cheerfully yells Sally's name at the top of his lungs. Mateo bellows again. Leo, in full party-boy mode, is annoyed that the music has just stopped. A waiter comes out and tells Mateo that Sally left, saying she wasn't feeling well. Mateo walks back to Simone, who begs him to let her explain (about her double- cross). He doesn't want to hear it. She says it was not how she wanted it to play out -- she made a mistake and she can't take it back. She has to LIVE with that, you know! [Oh, poor BABY!] Mateo does that sneery mouth thing and leans close to tell her: "I hope it haunts you for the rest of your life. I hope you wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats. I hope you HATE yourself for it. All right?" Simone is full of pain and remorse [not good enough for me, either] telling him that if he wants her to suffer, here it is! She whines and cries about how she let him and everybody else down. What can she do to make it up to him? The entire club is hushed and watching. Leo yells from across the bar: "Listen, man, my ASS is BLEEDING!" Oh wait, make that: "Listen, man, SHE'S bleeding! Can't you see how sorry she is? Vanessa played ALL of us, and you know it!" Hayley tells Mateo that Leo is drunk and she thinks they've all done things that they've regretted in the past. He growls that this is different. [I agree with him for once -- Simone is LOW and should not be forgiven, at least not THIS soon. After all, I still haven't forgiven Mateo for things HE'S done in the past, whether or not he regrets it. I really CAN hold a grudge.] Simone moans and asks Mateo why he invited her to his party if he wasn't ready to forgive her. She says Sally told her that he ESPECIALLY asked for her to be there. He says whoever told her that is a LIAR. In the meantime, Hayley's face hardens like a rock and her jaw clenches as she slowly and suspiciously walks over to Donald Steele. She loudly announces that SHE knows who would do that. She introduces Donald Steele to everyone as she yanks off his baseball cap. He removes his magnetically attached sunlenses from his glasses, turns, laughs nastily and invites applause. Everyone glares.

PV HOSPITAL

Maggie pants, cringes and wiggles back in fear as Vanessa sits on the edge of her bed. Concerned, Vanessa asks what's wrong; then her voice gets low and menacing as she says: "You're not AFRAID of me, are you?" Vanessa grabs a pillow and says it needs FLUFFING. Vanessa stands and viciously pummels the pillow before holding it near to Maggie's face, making us wonder if she's about to suffocate Maggie, or merely replace the pillow behind Maggie's head. We'll never know, because David rushes in yelling Vanessa's name, grabs her and swings her around the room. Maggie calls for a guard. David starts to strangle a protesting Vanessa up against a wall.

Maggie keeps calling for help as Vanessa gacks and her tongue bulges out of her mouth. David continues to squeeze as he tells her that she's not going to hurt any more people. Vanessa tries in vain to pull his hands away from her throat. David: "I'll strangle the life right out of you, Mother, and you will go to hell where you belong!" Anna walks in, sees what's happening and futilely tries to pry him off of Vanessa. She runs and yells at a nurse to get a guard in there [so much for the world-class spy and her martial arts expertise]. Meanwhile, David tells Vanessa he will kill her and that he's sick of all her deeds. [All things considered, he's not particularly into what he's doing -- I've seen him get MUCH more dramatic and emotional over handling medical charts] Anna comes back and grabs him from behind, telling him it's not worth it -- he'll end up in jail. She gently prods him to let go and he finally does. For once, Vanessa actually HAS a reason to gasp as she yells and grabs her throat.

A guard finally shows up and Anna castigates him for not watching Vanessa. David leans with his and arms up against the wall like a firing squad victim. Vanessa loudly whines that her toilet was stopped up [LOL!] Anna snaps at the guard that it's not his job to fix the JOHN! Zeke has also entered the room by now. Vanessa, mostly recovered now and in full gaspy socialite mode, says the gentleman was only trying to help, and she has ALWAYS depended on the kindness of strangers [ROTFL!] David turns around, disgusted, and yells at her to SHUT UP and that no one is buying into her third-rate Blanche DuBois. Back into actress mode, Vanessa snippily tells him that because of her deep understanding of Blanche, she won a screen test with DARYL ZANUCK! Zeke carefully watches her. David rolls his face and eyes heavenward, praying for strength or a lightening bolt -- probably both. Anna puts a restraining hand against his chest. Getting full-blown into Blanche's character, Vanessa contemplates the tray containing hospital food (including a bunch of grapes) and sweepingly says: "You know how I shall die? I shall die from eating an unwashed grape from the ocean ..." She picks up a grape and pops it into her mouth. As she chews, David desperately mutters: "Will somebody shut her up? PLEASE shut her up!" Zeke calmly and considerately asks Vanessa to come with him. She asks if she's wanted in makeup. He tells Mrs. Cortlandt he needs to take her back to her room. Annoyed, she corrects him: "WELLS! It's Rosie WELLS. All right. I think I'm wanted on set, if you'll excuse us." Still chewing grapes like a starlet loudly and coarsely chewing gum, she looks over to David and says: "Young man, next time we rehearse, will you please be more gentle because you could really DAMAGE my INSTRUMENT." She places a fluttering hand over her chest, then places it more firmly on Zeke's chest and says: "Come on. Mr. Wyler doesn't like to be kept waiting." She fluffs her hair and daintily walks out of the room followed by Zeke and the guard. David rolls his eyes and grimaces hard. Anna stands with her hands on her hips.

Maggie, literally looking like death warmed over, tells David that his mother is NUTS! David wearily tells her not to buy into Vanessa's Norma Desmond routine. He ascertains that Maggie is all right. She says his mother gives new meaning to "turn down service". He's just happy he got there when he did. She rants some about how she thought it was a NURSE, but instead it was Aunt Vanessa, there to "smother" her with "love". He tells her that as soon as she's well enough, he's going to get her out of there and take her someplace SAFE [like the portable cabin?] She wonders if there even IS such a place. She says one of Vanessa's goons too her to the abandoned church and left her there to freeze to death! [Hey, it was a GOON -- he COULD have just killed you!] David says that his mother figures that if her finger isn't on the trigger, then she's not guilty. Maggie is still pissed at Vanessa and her "logic". He tells her not to even TRY to figure it out, just get some rest. He kisses her forehead. She looks at him with a little trepidation and says: "I just -- I'm sorry, I just don't know you. I mean, I know we're cousins and we share some DNA, but I -- I don't know you at all." He asks if she wants to. She says she has nothing better to do. He smiles and tells her she has moxie and he likes her. He bids adieu until morning. He and Anna leave the room.

As soon as Anna and David are out the door she starts in on him over what happened in the room. He agrees that he lost it when he saw Vanessa with a pillow over Maggie's face. She says what happened in there was REMARKABLE and commends him for protecting his cousin. He says he was protecting his cousin from his MOTHER -- does she realize how INSANE that is? She says it may well be, but his mother is NOT insane. He ruminates that it would be a hell of a lot better if she WERE. She pets him and wishes she could make things better for him. He says she DID get him out of jail. She agrees, but says he's not in the clear YET. She walks away. Puzzled, he follows her.

Later, they walk out of the elevator discussing his computer. The police are going to hold onto it as evidence. He doesn't understand WHY, even as he says he knows that they found the Proteus file on it. She says they trashed that [yeah, RIGHT!], but they did a search and found his research files on it. He says that's okay, he has copies. She asks if there is anything in those files that they can use against him. He says yes, but they are only decipherable to a DOCTOR [and HE'S the only doctor in the world]. She vigorously scratches her head and says that won't protect him. Still incredibly dense for such a brilliant man, David scoffs at the idea of her worrying about someone stealing his data, since he uses certain techniques. She says it's not about that -- Jake has spoken to Derek and asked him to take a closer look at the files. David says that's not even LEGAL [pot, kettle]. Anna agrees, but says that's what they are doing. Jake has said that he will look at the files himself to interpret the data and see if David has done anything criminal [no conflict of interest THERE] like breach of medical ethics. If charges are brought, Jake wants to testify against David in court. David is incredulous -- would Jake really do that since he research saved Dixie's LIFE? Anna says Jake's angle is that he withheld vital information from his patient and jeopardized her life in the process because he didn't tell her about her condition. He points out there was no known cure for it and doubts a jury would see it Jake's way. [There's no cure for AIDS, either, but that doesn't usually stop a doctor from telling the patient about it] She tells him not to assume. He rants about Jake being a self-proclaimed medical watchdog. He says Jake can go ahead - - Dr. Do-Right doesn't stand a chance! Jake walks up and challenges him, saying they'll just have to see, won't they. They both assume challenging, macho, chest-thrusting poses.

SOS

Greenlee walks up to Leo, who is telling the blonde a guy-walks-into- a-bar-with-a-parrot-on-his-shoulder joke. She puts a hand on his shoulder and asks to talk to him for a minute. He pulls it off and starts the joke over. She taps his shoulder and tells him to come with her and get some air. He tells her she's stepping on his punchline and to get lost. Greenlee persists and asks him to look at her. The blonde says: "This is a private party, Honey, and you're not invited, so get lost!" She sucks on a maraschino cherry. Greenlee stares.

Leo tries to continue the joke, getting as far as: "So, anyway, the guy with the parrot says, 'I'll have a White Russian.'" Greenlee tells him to can the lame jokes -- she needs to explain about what happened earlier at the hospital. He tells her to forget it. She keeps trying and he keeps trying the joke. She digs in and says he's upset because Jake showed up when he needed her and he's upset about Vanessa. He vaguely threatens her about ever mentioning Vanessa's name to him again. She begs him to just go someplace with her and talk. Leo: "I'm TIRED of talking. YACKety, YACKety, YACKety, yickety YAK! It's a flipping downer, ok? For 10 seconds I forget about my mother from HELL and all the trouble she's caused me. I'm having fun. You remember fun, right? F-U -- whatever." She leans to touch him again and he jerks away, yelling at her to GET LOST! Greenlee walks around the table to face him and tells him he's not the boss of her. The blonde stands up, towering over Greenlee and says: "Hey, Powder Puff [she tauntingly flips up Greenlee's fur collar for emphasis], the man wants you gone. Flake off, ok?" Greenlee tells her to get out of her face -- this is between her and Leo. The woman walks around and stands in front of Leo. She crosses her arms and says the only thing between Greenlee and Leo is HER (she?). Greenlee: "I promise you, you do NOT want to mess with me." Woman: "Honey, I could snap you like a swizzle stick!" Greenlee nods in thoughtful acknowledgement and asks what the woman is drinking. It's a Tequila Sunrise. Greenlee picks it up and pours it down the front of the blonde, who shrieks. Leo tells Greenlee that was lame. Greenlee blames it on bad hand-eye coordination and suggests the woman go to freshen up. Woman: "Why you little!!!" Leo stands and asks a waiter for an SOS t-shirt for the lady. Greenlee yells after him: "HOPE YOU GOT EXTRA-LARGE!!" Leo jabs his finger at Greenlee and says that was dirty pool. She grins and says it got his attention, didn't it?

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the bar, some time has passed. Donald steps away from the counter with an ugly chessboard-patterned glass. He tries to nonchalantly go past Hayley and Mateo, but Mateo flicks him back around with a finger. He confronts Donald about getting one of his staff to trick Simone into coming over. Donald says they are a photo-op waiting to happen -- he just gave it a little nudge. Mateo says they have a right to privacy. Donald says the public has the right to know. [I see Simone is STILL there in the background -- a real glutton for punishment, isn't she?] Mateo says Donald is just going to twist everything around. Donald tries to schmooze and says everyone will love seeing Mateo's mug all over the Exposer, his wife is a celebrity, Proteus, etc. Mateo tells him he's a hack whose stuff isn't fit to line a birdcage. Donald says Mateo should THANK him for the great publicity -- everyone thinks he's a HERO! Mateo orders him out. Donald says he doesn't have to leave until he's drunk or disorderly. Mateo says he's stinking up the place [must ... stifle ...] Donald suggests that maybe it's the nachos [LOL!]. He walks away.

Edmund walks up to Hayley and introduces her to the Mayor [not necessarily of Pine Valley, just "the mayor"]. She already knows him from his being on her show. He tells her she's made PV proud and grateful. The mayor wants to present Mateo with something. Mateo nixes it because of Donald's presence. The mayor is all too familiar with Donald, who has plagued him since he got into office, even going through his garbage. Edmund points out that garbage is Donald's stock in trade. Hayley asks the mayor if he'd like to teach Steele a lesson. The walk off to confer.

Palmer walks in looking uncomfortable. Opal walks up and asks him what he's looking for so shifty-eyed. He tells her to get lost. Donald walks up and greets them. Palmer nastily asks Opal to excuse them and she offers him up for sacrifice to Donald by obligingly stepping (barely) to one side. Donald tells Palmer he owes him a sincere apology. It seems someone called Palmer there so he could get his hands on the "Proteus Secret Diary". Whoops -- it's a wild goose chase, because there IS no secret diary. Palmer exclaims over the unnamed person's brass nerve! Donald, shrugs it off and asks for a quote about what it's like being married to a criminal mastermind. Opal smirks. Palmer says he doesn't have to listen to this and stalks away. Opal follows him to the other side of the bar and asks what Vanessa has on him. He plays dumb. She is sure that if he came to get a secret diary, Vanessa MUST have some dirt on him. Palmer: "I assure you, Opal, Vanessa has NOTHING on ME." Opal: "Yeah, nothing except the fact that she married you for one reason and one reason only -- because you make a good COVER." Palmer: "Opal, is this your idea of 'I told you so'?" Opal: "You bet your sweet LIFE it is, and it's been a LONG time coming!" [LOL! You GO girl!] He gives her a semi-admiring smirk.

The mayor calls for quiet and hands out plaques to Edmund and Mateo for helping to restore law and order to their little town. Everyone claps and is happy for them. Then Simone opens her yap and uses the opportunity to tell him that she knows what she did is unforgivable and that she'll regret it for the rest of her life. [Again, WHY is she still there?] Everyone glares at her in the ensuing dead silence. Mateo tells her he thinks it's best if she doesn't come back. She agrees and says she already called a cab and will wait outside for it. Hayley graciously tells her that it's freezing outside, so she can wait inside for it. Simone thanks Hayley, who, genuinely nice for a change, tells her not to worry about it, REALLY. Simone walks away. Mateo broods and demands to know from Hayley what the look is for. She jumps on the forgive-Simone bandwagon and says Simone made a mistake, and the price of that mistake was SEVERE. Mateo is not so forgiving. Hayley says she UNDERSTAND'S what Simone is going through, because she loves Mateo, too. He smiles and holds her close.

Over at a table, Leo tells Greenlee that he doesn't want to talk anymore and, still holding a drink, gets up, but staggers like a 5-yr- old that's been twirling on the lawn and stopped suddenly. Greenlee steadies him and says he wouldn't be getting drunk and glomming onto perfect strangers if it weren't for her. It's not LIFE, it's a REACTION. Simone, also drinking now [how long does she think the taxi will take?], overhears. Leo slobbers, blows a raspberry and says: "Spare me!" She says he's in pain because of her, and she wants him to know that she'll do everything she can to make it better. [While he IS hurting over Greenlee, I do believe Vanessa had a LITTLE bit to do with it]

PV HOSPITAL

Smarmy as ever, David tells Jake he's deluding himself if he thinks he can interpret David's raw data [I thought that was Anna's job -- BRRUMPT-TING!!] Jake tells him he's off-staff, so what is he doing here. He walks over to take a chart from a nurse, which he peruses while talking to David. David informs him he's visiting his cousin, whom he found near death from hypothermia. Jake informs HIM that visiting hours are over. David: "You know what your problem is, Jake?" Jake: "Arrogant doctors who love to play God?" David: "Your scope is too limited. You see, brilliant minds don't push pencils. They don't punch timeclocks." Jake asks what his point it. David: "Derek Frye asking you to interpret my research is like asking a 2- year-old to translate ancient GREEK!" Anna butts in and suggests that they get out of there. Jake asks how David found out that Jake was working his case with the police. David belittles his "cop-speak". Jake assumes that it was Anna, since ex-spies are always tight with the police. David arrogantly asks Jake if he really thinks he's going to win in court. Jake says he has no doubt -- besides, he has the law on his side. David: "Oh. Oh, the law. Yeah, but, you see, there are higher callings than just crossing at the crosswalk, Jake." Jake: "And you qualify?" David: "Yes, I do, because I save LIVES! And I know you hate to admit this, Jake, but I saved DIXIE'S life!" Jake: "You are no Albert Schweitzer, you understand? You're just in it for the cash and prizes." Anna says that's wrong. Jake then turns on Anna and asks what she's getting out of this. Does she get to play house out at his secret cabin [oh you mean the one that has moved into the No Parking zone in the hospital driveway?] Has she been promised to be allowed to display David's Nobel Prize on her mantelpiece every Thursday? David says Anna has no part in this. Jake says that's for the DA to decide when they call her as a material witness. He's sure that Anna is a veritable warehouse of incriminating information [WATCH it, buddy! NEVER compare a woman to a WAREHOUSE!] David repeats that Anna doesn't know anything. Jake bids adieu by saying David is going to pay for this and he hopes they will allow him to continue his good works while in prison. David escorts Anna back to the elevator. He points out that if they think she knows about his research, Jake can make her testify against him. She scratches her head and says she'll refuse. He says she can't, they'll MAKE her testify. She suddenly gets a self-satisfied, but fleeting grin which she is quick to hide. She says she learned in the WSB that there's always a way around the law. [Yeah, yeah, wife can't testify against a husband, blah, blah, blah. SOOOO overdone and predictable!]

GREENLEE'S PENTHOUSE

Jake arrives, but can't find Greenlee, which is weird since she was so tired before that she could hardly move. He calls her cell phone, which is answered by Donald Steele. Jake asks who it is; Donald responds by saying Jake called HIM (not by name). Jake identifies himself and says he's looking for Greenlee. Donald happily tells him that she's there at SOS and it looks like she's got some company. He looks over to Greenlee who appears to be pleading with Leo and trying to hold onto him. Leo breaks away and walks up to the bar, followed by a frustrated Greenlee. Jake hangs up and heads out again.

SOS

Greenlee insists that Leo admit that he's only drunk and carrying on with nameless bimbos because of HER. [Why is it so important for her to get him to admit it? It's not like he's going to remember any of it.] He loftily informs her that the woman's name is Kerry. She keeps hammering the point home of his wallowing because he needed her and she let him down. He laughs and says: "So you pretended this was all about me when it's really all about YOU?" Greenlee: "Of COURSE it's about me!" [She and Erica really DO make a good team] Leo: "Uh-huh. And the fact that my mother just got busted for smuggling dope and killing people isn't enough about ME to make me want to drink and have meaningless sex?" Greenlee: "You don't need to go so LOW, Leo. You need me. Let me help you." Leo nods excessively and says: "You want to help me? Stay out of my life." She stares.

Opal continues to twist the knife into Palmer about Vanessa: "You blind old FOOL, you couldn't even see what a venomous snake you were married to." Palmer muses: "One of the most elegant, really GORGEOUS, quite gracious --" Opal: "Oh, yes, talk about CUTTHROAT and CONNIVING!" Palmer: "You never DID understand what I saw in Vanessa, did you?" Opal: "I knew EXACTLY what you saw in Vanessa -- you saw a way to STICK it to ME!" Palmer chuckles and says: "Don't flatter yourself." Opal: "You know, why can't you just come right out and ADMIT that you were taken in by Vanessa?" Palmer: "Well, I might've been taken in, but at least I wasn't bored!" He gives her a look to indicate that he was bored shitless by HER, then walks away. Opal sticks her tongue out at him and looks pissed off.

Two police officers walk in and are pointed in Donald Steele's direction. They tower over him. The effect of making him look like a little rat is enhanced by the camera being placed about a head higher than Donald, but still not as tall as the police officers. [It's so striking that it makes me wonder if they are standing on boxes or if Donald is standing in a hole] They tell him his car is parked in a red zone. He snidely asks if they noticed his press sticker. They did. He's also under arrest for 15 unpaid parking tickets. As they cuff him and read him his rights, Hayley whips out a small camera and takes a picture. He smiles and hams it up for several more shots. The cops drag him out and he proclaims that there is not a fortress strong enough. Mateo promises to send nachos. Everyone cheers about the trash being taken out so they can continue to par-tay! Edmund makes another toast to Hayley and Mateo's courage, stubbornness and faith. As Brooke clinks glasses with them, Hayley spots the ring, which has worked its way out of Brooke's cleavage. She is accused of holding out on everyone and coerced into admitting that she and Edmund are engaged. The women scream [I frantically hit the MUTE button]. Brooke squeals in a voice WAY higher than Miss Piggy's as she says: "ThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyou!" Lots of people kiss (but not Brooke and Edmund). She flashes back to him proposing on the freezing beach and we are further subjected to Muppet music. NOW they kiss as everyone says: "Awwwwwww!" Congratulatory hugs and kisses abound.

PV HOSPITAL

A nurse checks Maggie's canula (tubing in the nose) and IV from top to bottom as Maggie sulks. The nurse leaves. Maggie removes the canula and grabs the phone. She sighs, then asks an operator for a number for an airline -- ANY airline, as long as it's flying OUT of Pine Valley. Bianca walks up, grabs the phone, and says Maggie is not going ANYWHERE. They stare.

Zeke walks into Vanessa's room and excuses the nurse and guard (a woman this time) so HE can sit with Mrs. Cortlandt for a while. He prepares a syringe and says the only way he can help her is if she tells him the TRUTH. She stares in horror at the syringe.

SOS

Leo puts on his jacket as Greenlee fruitlessly tugs at him. Leo asks the bartender for one more. Greenlee: "For crying out loud, Leo! Your mother tried to KILL me! I've had SIX minutes of sleep in three days, and I'm in DEEP dog poo with Erica!" She grabs the drink he just picked up and continues: "Do you get what I'm saying? My LIFE is a MESS, but despite EVERYTHING I showed up here when you NEEDED me. I put MY needs on HOLD!" Leo: "OHHHHH! You put YOUR needs on hold?" She says yes, it's part of the DEAL. He doesn't know what she's talking about, and she finally has to spell it out for him: "You really don't know why I'm here? Why I'm spilling drinks over silly women and pouring my guts out to you? IT'S BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, DAMN IT!" Naturally, Jake chose that moment to walk in and overhear it. He stares in disbelief.

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE

A pajama'd JP starts a wedding ceremony. His berobed, curlered wife tells him (Earl) to hold up a sec so she can hand a bouquet to the unseen bride. Earl starts over and the camera pans over to the bride and her smirking groom: Anna and David. Anna looks over at David and gives just a hint of a smug smile out of the corner of her mouth.

ON THE NEXT AMC

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Zeke sits on Vanessa's bed and calmly asks: "WHO are you now?" Vanessa peers up at him with a start.

At PV Hospital, Maggie tells Bianca: "I CAN'T help you." Bianca: "CAN'T or WON'T?"

At SOS Jake yells: "Shut up, Leo!" Leo: "You shut up, Jake!" Greenlee: "All RIGHT! I love BOTH of you!"

At the JP's, David and Anna beam at each other and giggle with happiness. The JP's wife gushes: "Oh, EARL! Marry these two lovebirds!"

Irreverently submitted,