Friday Update
September 21, 2001

PREVIOUSLY ON ALL MY CHILDREN

Chris bends Erica over backward for a kiss and says: "You think I'm putting one over on you?"

In his hotel room, David, in a low, sexy voice (but now clad in a bathrobe) tells Anna: "You like living on the razor's edge, don't you, Anna?" He holds her face and kisses her.

Laura calls Brooke's Tempo office looking for Leo, but reaches an assistant instead, whom she tells: "This is Laura du Pres, Leo's wife." Woman: "I'm sorry. He left a while ago with Greenlee Smythe."

In his car, Leo looks hungrily at Greenlee. Greenlee lunges across the seat and passionately kisses him.

CHANDLER HOUSE

Hayley and Mateo bring the baby over and Winifred gushes over him. Adam is barking rebukes at Winifred. Hayley tells him to chill out and guesses his attitude is due to problems between him and Liza [how can she tell the difference from any other day in his life?]. He says Liza is out of town and Mateo chuckles, saying THAT explains it. Hayley asks Adam what he's done THIS time. Adam plays innocent and asks why it's necessarily HIM that did something. Hayley and Winifred take the baby to see Lucretia, the unseen cook. Adam and Mateo slip into the living room and whisper about Arlene. Adam assures him he has 24/7 security and Arlene won't get anywhere NEAR them this time [yeah, like that's ever stopped ANYONE, let alone Arlene. BTW, it looks like Mateo did his own laundry while Hayley was in the hospital and he must have dried his shirt on the HIGH/HEAVY setting, because it's WAAAAY too small for him]. Mateo is skeptical and relates the story of the phone call wherein the touch-tone's to the tune of "The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You" were played. Adam instantly (and loudly) realizes it had to be Arlene who called him. Hayley walks in at that moment (sans baby), surprised to hear that her mother called Mateo and asks why he didn't tell her.

Mateo brings Hayley some orange juice and explains the calls away as simple hang-ups. She asks what makes them think it's Arlene and they say they are just being alert, that's all. Hayley figures out that they just don't want Hayley and the baby to be alone, so Mateo dragged them there because he has to work at SOS tonight and he wants Adam to babysit Hayley and the baby. Mateo hems and haws, but admits it. Adam says they DO know for sure it WAS Arlene. Mateo relates that Adam has someone tailing Arlene so they know where she is, that's all. Winifred enters with the baby and hands him to Hayley, informing Adam of an overseas call. Mateo follows Adam into the foyer and asks for reassurance in watching over Hayley and the baby.

Mateo leaves and Stuart enters. Apparently the Santos family has already been to Texas and back since the night before and, separately, flew Max up from Texas to stay with his grandma until the christening. Stuart looks strangely at Hayley. Rather than marveling over the warp in the space-time continuum, Stuart is marveling over how much Hayley has changed since she first came to Pine Valley. He says she was a WILD one! She says she was an ANGRY one and she never wants to be that angry again. She starts to cry about her capacity to be so angry [you mean like strangling your mother -- seems like you were a tad angrier THEN]. She gives Stuart the baby to hold so as not to taint the tot with her extreme unworthiness.

Stuart tucks the baby into his bassinette and asks Hayley why she's crying. Hayley weeps: "I don't know. This has been going on since I had him. One minute I feel like my heart is so full it could explode, and then -- and then the next minute I -- I feel like I can't even take care of him!" Stuart assures her that it's perfectly NORMAL. He sees mothers like that at the hospital and hospice ALL THE TIME. It's because they think everything is going to be a piece of cake, and then when it isn't, they get scared. Almost all of them turn out to be really great moms, and she will too -- he can TELL! Hayley admits she's scared -- she doesn't know if she can be there for him when he needs her. Sometimes when he cries she just freezes. She hasn't even told this to Mateo. She says sometimes when he cries it brings up feelings that she thought she had worked through long ago and it makes her scared. She's scared that she won't be able to handle it. Stuart: "What, being a mom?" Hayley: "Staying sober."

ENCHANTMENT

Erica, still clad in the ultra-red, unshouldered red top, her shoulders shining from whatever it is that they spray on shoulders to make them shiny now-a-days, is dialing the phone. Chris walks in and says: "You rang?" She hangs up and chastises him for taking his time getting there. She informs him that the program that Roger Smythe had Greenlee implant is still intact on the mainframe. [I REALLY like her hair today! Was it like that before?] She demands to know about any new info collected from his bugs. He says he's already told her a lot of highly classified information. She wants more. He says whatever she hears will be on a need-to-know basis. She retorts that she NEEDS TO KNOW about anything affecting Enchantment. In fact, she wants a copy of ALL the surveillance tapes. He hands her a teeny-weeny, itty-bitty little rectangular thing that I'm guessing is a flash memory card of some kind, which presumably contains a (very short) surveillance video. [I recently bought a 128M EasyDisk drive -- it's about the size of my thumb and plugs into a USB port -- VERY cool!] Chris takes a seat and wants to know what she's thinking about "the kiss". Erica looks down at her desk, pretending to be busy and says: "My goodness, you make it sound like the BIBLE or THE SECRET OF LIFE, which it wasn't." Chris: "Oh, really?" Erica, now looking straight at him and shaking her head at his delusion, says: "Frankly, Mr. Stamp, it wasn't that good." He grins and sits back to get more comfortable.

Chris, grinning even more broadly, stands up and pantomimes being shot through the heart and ripping out the arrow as he informs her that she has WOUNDED him to his core by telling him he's NOT a good kisser! She tells Romeo to stuff a sock in it and he laughs. She tells him not to be too hard on himself, many have tried. Chris: "And failed." He says she must get kissed a lot. Erica: "Only with I ALLOW it." She admits she sometimes gets caught off guard, like with him, but she recovers pretty quickly and, well, he TRIED. She gets up and walks across the room. Chris, still playing the part of a wounded Romeo, says: "A woman of international mystery! Who can ever satisfy her?" [A chorus of women across North America answer 'David did, NINETEEN TIMES in one night!] Erica, insulted, says: "Ugh. Don't be crude." He points out that she IS world- reknowned and she DOES have a standard to uphold. "Erica: "Just don't spring another kiss on me uninvited." Chris, the close- talker, says: "Is there an invitation forthcoming?" Erica: "Not from THIS zip code." He asks if that means he doesn't get a second chance and insists he's much better the 2nd time around, like love. She gives him a withering look and he reminds her that that's from a SONG. He tells her to have dinner with him. She says this is SOOOOO inappropriate! He continues to be bombastic and she finally gives in, feigning annoyance and asking when he wants to have dinner with her. Why TONIGHT, of course. She says she already has a dinner engagement with an out-of-town ad exec. Chris: "Oh, some old coot from Chicago who has a wife and kids at home but is so thrilled -- as well he should be -- to be sitting across from you at a restaurant that he acts like he's at his prom with Sophia Loren?" He whistles and says: "What a fun night THAT would be!" She huffs a tiny laugh of agreement and reluctantly asks what TIME he would like to go out. Chris says he's sorry, but he can't do it tonight, he has to work at SOS. Erica rolls her eyes, gets that sardonic half-smile accompanied by the talk-to-the-hand gesture, and tells him she is NOT going to play this game with him. He feigns innocence and says: "What game?" She says she's not going to play THIS game because she has an unfair advantage -- she INVENTED this game! Chris gets up and says: "Oh, well, then, in that case, I'm going to go home right after work and start practicing. Aren't you?" Erica: "Practice what?" Chris: "My kissing. I'll use my pillow. Just as long as you don't let that old coot put a move on you over the Creme Brulee." He smiles and leaves. Erica shakes her head and huffs a little laugh again, looking uncertainly at the now empty doorway.

SOS

The joint is loud, and there are lots of waitpersons, but it's not particularly jumping with customers. David comes in and walks over to the lounge area to meet with Jake, who tells him that he WILL take David's offer. David grins and hands Jake a 4" thick book to catch up on research. Jake jokes that he'll try to get to it over the weekend. David says he'll have to do it a hell of a lot faster than that because there is a meeting tomorrow morning at 9am. Anna walks in, staring at David, who stares back. She comes over and they grin like cats at each other while Jake watches, also grinning at the entertainment. David stands and says: "If didn't know better, I'd think that you were stalking me." Jake steeples his hands and makes contemplative faces.

Anna informs David that she came to SOS to see her brother, who works there. David says her brother steals books. Anna indignantly says the book was outside his room in the HALLWAY [which means it's perfectly okay to just take it without asking, apparently, just like it's perfectly okay to walk into a stranger's house simply because the door isn't locked]. Gabriel, sporting cornrows, walks up and tells David that he doesn't need him to go around saying he steals books -- he has enough problems as it is [then why did he steal the book?]. David wants to know what boy Gabriel's age borrows medical textbooks. Gabriel says he saw it, he read it, then he gave it back to Anna to give to David. David scoffs at the idea of Gabriel actually READING the entire book. Gabriel says it was the latest book on stem cell research and he had gone to the library to check it out, but they said it was on reserve for doctors. [AMC fans everywhere find THIS even more unbelievable than Gabriel being raised in a cage -- he would have been MUCH better off checking out a book on manners and protocol] Gabriel walks behind the bar to do more work, but David's interest is piqued and he follows up on it, asking if stem cell research is of interest to Gabriel [no, but all the Dick & Jane books were checked out]. Gabriel says he likes science. Jake steps up and tells David to lay off of Gabriel. David says he was just surprised. Anna presses him to cop to being impressed. David asks Gabriel what branch of science he's interested in, but Gabriel's attention is focused on staring at Rosa. David quips that he always had a difficult time choosing between science and a beautiful woman [except in the instance where he used science to drug an entire boatload of people to get to the beautiful Dixie and her amazing sweater puppies]. David smiles at Anna and says it's usually a dead heat. He and Anna flirtatiously smile at each other. Jake excuses himself to barf in the corner and David follows.

Gabriel walks over to talk to Rosa, who is, for once, conservatively dressed. There are some kids from school snickering and laughing over at a table, which really bothers Rosa. Gabriel says people do that to him ALL the time and to just ignore it. She asks if they call him a whore, too, and stalks away in embarrassment and frustration.

Anna wanders over to David and Jake's table. She declines David's offer of champagne as David explains that he made an offer that even Jake couldn't refuse [access to unclaimed test-tube babies?]. Anna taunts him, saying he's not used to hearing no, is he?

Mateo is now behind the counter at SOS telling Rosa that he just had a feeling about that guy (Marcus) and he should have been watching him, not Rosa. [Whatever could have made you think he couldn't be trusted? When he was feeling up and dry-humping your sister at every possible opportunity, even while she was working?] Rosa tells Mateo that they both know she would have thrown a huge hissy fit if Mateo had interfered. She reflects that Marcus was really a cool guy until the shit hit the fan. Mateo says he's proud of the person she's turned out to be. She demurs, but he says Hayley and he think she's ... da bomb! She laughs aloud and tells him he is SOOOO uncool! He says he was just joking, but then gets serious and asks Rosa to be the godmother of his as-yet-unnamed child. Rosa is astonished at the honor and accepts.

At the bar, Anna tells Gabriel that she likes the way he held his own with Dr. Hayward. Chris walks in in the background and seems to make a business-like mental note of Anna being there. Gabriel asks Anna why David is so conceited and she shakes her head. Gabriel [totally relaxed and self-confident, now that he's got short-timer attitude]: "I -- don't get me wrong. I know that he's the most respected heart doctor in the whole world. But does he really think he's God's gift to man? Or woman?" Anna smiles, but then notices Chris. She stabs the easily available knife [for chopping fruit, of course] that she's been absently tapping on the cutting board INTO the cutting board. Furiously, she steps around the bar to confront Chris as Gabriel wonders what's going on. Anna comes up behind Chris and smugly says: "I remember you! I DO know who you are!" Chris turns and stares, as do Jake and David.

L&L CONDO

Laura, stupified [yes, I know that's not far for her to go], stares off into nothing while holding the phone away from her. The assistant asks if she's still there but Laura doesn't respond. She robotically drops the phone, which lands with a loud thud. She walks around the room like a drunk walking the line, remembering the overheard conversation between Greenlee and Leo about the sex bet and Greenlee saying 'Come ON! You want me so bad you can TASTE it!'. We hear a rapid tone through the phone speaker, followed by a rather snotty recorded voice telling her to hang up and dial again if she wants to make a call. Laura, still staring and now leaning on a kitchen counter, raises her right eyebrow and coolly warns the absent Leo NOT to do it, NOT with Greenlee. She grits her teeth. [Oh, yeah, I sense an impending Emily Ann moment]

LEO'S (red) CAR

Leo wrenches himself away from Greenlee and leans back in his seat, closing his eyes in the agony of pulling himself away from something he so desperately wants. She's right back on him, though, pulling his face around to hers and breathlessly demanding: "Tell me it's me! Tell me it's ONLY me!" They kiss again and he wrenches himself away again. Greenlee pulls his face back toward her again and demands: "Leo, tell me you love me! Say my name and tell me you never loved her at all!" Leo looks miserable and torn as she caresses his face. She sprinkles his face with little kisses. He sighs and stoicly says he's already told her how he feels, but she doesn't LISTEN. Leo: "As much as I want you, as much as you get off thinking --" Greenlee, horrified, plops back into her seat and says: "Oh, my God!" Leo continues: "It isn't -- it's just meaningless!" Greenlee is stunned: "MEANINGLESS? Leo, I **LOVE** you! No matter what I've EVER said to you before, that NEVER, EVER changed!" Leo stares at the ceiling, his mouth in a grim line. Greenlee: "Why are you doing this now?" He turns back toward her, fighting himself to keep from lunging back at her -- a sheen of sweat is on his face [maybe he has diarrhea]. Greenlee: "How long are we going to keep torturing each other?" She plops back onto her side again and staunchly says: "I can't live like this anymore!" Leo decisively says: "Then don't." She whips her head around again and stares at him with her huge eyes.

She counters: "Leo, I just told you that I LOVED you! You just kissed me like --" Leo, deflated, says: "Like it was NOTHING. It's over. Move on." He sighs heavily and thumps the steering wheel. Greenlee insists: "I don't WANT to move on, Leo! I've waited my whole LIFE for someone like you. No, not someone LIKE you. For YOU, Leo!" He tells her she's making a mistake because he's not the one for her, and unless he starts making some changes and being more responsible he's going to end up just like his mother, empty and alone -- and it's NOT something that he wants. Greenlee leans forward and earnestly says: "Listen to me, you IDIOT! You messed up and you paid for it! You lost me, and I kicked you out, and I made you feel AWFUL [she grabs his forlorn face and yanks it back to face her] about who you used to be, and so you married Laura in some crazy attempt to get your self-esteem back. But, Leo, it's totally BACKFIRED! Leo looks away again and wipes his brow in frustration. He insists he didn't marry Laura for himself. Agonized, Leo says: "She's ALIVE--" Greenlee: "Because of you." Leo: "YES!" Greenlee: "You went from devil to saint in one really ill-conceived 'I do,' and now you feel like you're RESPONSIBLE for her!" He blows up and tries to tell her NOT to tell HIM how he feels about Laura! Greenlee: "Laura? You want me to tell you how she makes you feel? TRAPPED! You're -- you're a PRISONER of your own good intentions!" Leo: "I made a commitment." Greenlee: "To what? Unraveling your soul? Every day that you spend with her, a piece of you dies off! I mean, look at you! You're shriveling up! You're losing your sense of self! You're putting your sexuality on hold --" He coldly informs her that he made love to his wife right there in the car last night. She stares. He says it was like nothing he's ever experienced before [there are probably some European contortionists who would beg to differ] -- EVERYTHING about it was good. He grimly stares ahead, gripping the steering wheel. Greenlee, strong, but affected by what he just said, calls him a liar. She asks why he brought her there, cracking somewhat. Why did he bring her to some stinking place where his just made love to his WIFE? He calmly, but robotically says he wanted to talk to her. She whips her head around and yells "LIAR!!!!" Her teeth are bared, but gritted and she's breathing hard now [uh oh] Greenlee: "How could you be so horrible to me?" She gulps and blinks back tears and continues: "How could you drag me off and kiss me here and then throw this garbage in my face about MAKING LOVE here in this car with LAURA [clearly equating Laura with a recently squished worm on a wet sidewalk]? And then telling me it was BETTER than anything WE'D ever done? Is the only way to get me out of your heart is to WRECK me? Tell me, Leo! Tell me what you're getting out of hurting me so bad! TELL me, damn it!" Now it's Leo's turn to gulp. He works his jaw and stares ahead, gearing himself up for answering her.

L&L's CONDO

Laura picks up her blouse from the night before (which is in the living room for some reason) and stares at it, remembering how Leo kisses her and the animalistic way he had looked at her in the car. In her imagination, she morphs into Greenlee, smiling seductively at the panting Leo. With his shirt unbuttoned ala Fabio, Leo leans over to Greenlee and they kiss passionately. Laura blinks out of her reverie, gripping her blouse and saying: "No, it was ME! He was making love to ME!" She throws the blouse down, grabs her purse, and takes off.

LEO'S CAR

Leo tells Greenlee he's not trying to hurt her, he's just trying to make sense of this. Greenlee: "Shut up, Leo! You're trying to justify staying with someone who bores you to tears instead of admitting to yourself that you could actually have it all with me!" Leo says SHE bores him with her endless quest for ... what? Validation through seduction? He tells her she's one of the most beautiful women he's ever met, but that's not enough. She's empty inside. Leo: "You're like this bottomless pit of insecurity that just can't be filled. And I've finally come to the conclusion that I can't be the poor schmuck that tries." Greenlee is shocked and asks how he can DO this to her. Leo goes for cruelly flippant and says: "Nah, you're doing this to yourself, Sweetie. Hell, you're living with Jake now. Why don't you let HIM fill you up?" She asks if this is about JAKE. Leo finally blows up and yells: "NO!! This is about ME! This is about me trying to tell YOU as plainly and as clearly as I can that IT'S OVER! IT'S DONE! We're DONE!!!" Greenlee cries in earnest now, heartbroken. Leo relents and reaches over to give her a comforting hug. As Greenlee's tears soak Leo's shirt and he pets her hair, Laura appears in the bushes and stares in dismay.

Laura steps closer as spooky music plays. If she happened to own a hatchet it would, no doubt, be in her hands right now. She doesn't, though, so she just leans into the window and points an accusing finger at Leo and the now quiet Greenlee, growling: "You LIED to me!! [...] About EVERYTHING! And YOU, you ***SLUT***!!! BACK OFF!" She grabs Greenlee's hair and starts pulling it. Greenlee screams and Leo jumps out to run around the car, yelling at Laura to stop it. Laura's teeth are fully bared and she continues to rip Greenlee's hair out. Oops, none of the above just happened. Laura is still standing in the bushes watching them -- she was just IMAGINING pulling Greenlee's hair [personally, I would have imagined much more than hair-pulling and may have included the aforementioned hatchet, as long as it's just imaginary]. Laura heaves an angry sigh and steps back into the bushes and out of sight.

Now that Laura cannot see or hear them, Greenlee, still crying, yanks herself away from Leo and demands that he keep his hand OFF of her! Leo keeps trying to get an appeasing word in edgewise, but she about bites his head off, snapping at him to SHUT UP AND TAKE HER HOME!! He starts the car. Neither of them put on a seatbelt.

SOS

Gabriel walks up to Chris and Anna with a warning call of her name. Chris makes no sudden moves and coolly requests that Anna tell Gabriel that it's okay, which she does. Gabriel backs off. She says he lied to her -- they DID meet before. He'd better admit it or she will make SUCH a scene! Arms-crossed, Chris very quietly and dangerously says: "You must've been one ROTTEN undercover agent, Mrs. Scorpio, or you'd know better to compromise any Op in a public place this way." He moves to leave. She grabs him, but he's faster and counters her grabbing arm, which surprises her. He glares at her and walks away. She shakes fleas out of her hair. David walks over and she grumbles. He asks what she has against Chris, although he's happy to see that it's not just him. With no flirtation whatsoever, she snaps at him to mind his own business. David stares after Chris.

ENCHANTMENT

Opal charges into Erica's office, saying that Erica will not BELIEVE what Palmer's sorry excuse for a trophy wife was wearing at lunch at the Valley Inn today! Erica is distracted and says she can't imagine. Opal gestures and says that they were diamond earrings the size of MANGOS and a ruby necklace on a HIDEOUS silver chunk chain -- it looked like a DOG COLLAR! Perplexed, Erica asks Opal why she's there. Opal says she's there to prove her point -- that Palmer is married to a harpy that is turning him into a laughingstock! Erica asks what that has to do with her OR Erica. Opal is shocked that Erica doesn't "get it". It has EVERYTHING to do with Opal and nothing to do with Erica, FOR ONCE. Her life is falling apart! Erica, more sympathetic now, tells her that her life is falling apart because of herself and the fact that she won't move on. Opal: "How so?" Erica, naturally, makes it about herself and says: "Well, look at me. I'm moving on. I mean, not that I think that there's a future with him, but --" Opal: "Him? Who? Palmer?" Erica: "Palmer?" Opal: "Aren't we talking about me here?" Erica: "Well, I was talking about ME and Chris Stamp." Opal: "Chris Stamp? What, your driver?" Erica: "My general factotum." [fac·to·tum (fak-toe-tem) n. An employee or assistant who serves in a wide range of capacities] Opal: "Oh, well, here's a little factotum for YOU, Missy -- he ain't your type. Not one LICK!" [Well, maybe just ONE...] Erica stares, just slightly defensive.

CHANDLER HOUSE

Hayley weeps and Stuart tells her that she's going to be FINE. He knows she struggles every day with wanting to drink, but she'll be okay, because it's not just about HER anymore -- it's about her BABY, too. She smiles and laughs, saying she'd completely forgot why she called him over there. She asked Marian to call him over because she has a favor to ask him, instead of having a pity-party. She asks him to be the baby's godfather. Stuart tears up and says he thinks it would be very nice, but why HIM? She says it's because, next to her husband [barf!], he's the best person she knows. The baby starts to cry and Stuart asks if she's going to pick him up. She smiles, nods and wipes away the last of her tears.

Hayley picks up the baby, cooing and comforting him. He waves his little fist around and makes little baby noises as she soothes him. Hayley: "Are you scared? You don't have to be scared. You don't have to be scared. Mommy's here, and I'm never going to leave you. You'll never have to worry about anything." She smiles brilliantly and says: "I love him so much, Uncle Stuart!" Stuart: "He knows you do."

ENCHANTMENT

Opal asks if Erica is thinking of having an affair with Chris. Erica says no. Opal says that's a good thing because they are from two different worlds. Erica: "Oh, like you and Palmer aren't?" Opal: "Look what happened to US ... Do you think she's drugging him?" Erica: "Who?" Opal: "Vanessa! You think maybe she's -- she's drugging him with some kind of snake oil aphrodisiacal kind of thing? I mean, how else could a shrew like her hang on to a guy like Palmer all this time?" [it's a little thing called "blow-job", Opal] Opal loses steam and dejectedly plops down into a chair, lamenting that maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Erica sits down and asks Opal if she's been drinking those Long Island Iced Teas again. Opal wails: "We just got to cherish our memories, you and me." Erica: "ME? What does this have to do with me? Cherish WHAT memories?" Opal dramatically says: "Our memories of love gone by. Memories of lost love gone by, never again to be reclaimed!" Erica is absolutely APPALLED at the idea and says: "Are you KIDDING? Opal, you're making me sick to my stomach. Now, you listen to me. There is no way that love is going to be "gone by" for ME. Do you hear me?" [Notice she doesn't include Opal in that pronouncement]

SOS

Anna and Gabriel start to leave and David jumps up to say his goodbyes. She's in no mood. He says that, since they are all living in the same place, maybe they could all walk home together. Anna: "Why?" David says he and Gabriel could talk about stem cell research. Anna relents, and Gabriel fake-grins, saying "Why not?" David follows.

Despite having just cried buckets, Greenlee actually goes to the hottest spot in town [uh huh] to find Jake. She tries for giddy, but he guesses that she's freaked. She admits she is upset, having run into Leo -- she won't go into the whole sorry disaster. Greenlee: "But the whole way here I was thinking, 'I have JAKE. I have Jake to come home to! I don't have to worry.' So, you done here with David?" Jake: "Yeah." Greenlee: "Good. Good. Let's go home, go to bed!" Jake is taken aback. He tells her he's happy to talk to her about what happened, but he's not going to take her to bed. Greenlee: "Since when?" Jake: "Since now." She assures him that it's 100% OVER with Leo now. He asks her to tell him about it, but she declines. She doesn't want to talk about it, she wants to FORGET about it. Jake: "With sex? With me?" With her smile still pasted on, she says he didn't have a problem with that before. He says he didn't -- but he does NOW. Greenlee's smile slips.

L&L'S CONDO

Laura stomps back into her (unlocked) condo. She picks up about 5-6 pill bottles and fades to a memory of telling Leo she felt a little fuzzy and fluttery. He was very solicitous to her then. She explained that getting thirsty and tired was one of the side-effects of missing her meds. She'll be okay as long as she takes her pills. Back in the moment, she tells the absent Leo: "If you stay away from Greenlee, I won't HAVE to get sick again!" She breathes heavily and stares at the pills with gritted, bared teeth.

CHANDLER HOUSE

Hayley thanks Stuart for agreeing to be the baby's godfather. She asks, once again, for assurance that everything will be okay. They coo over the baby, who is watching them intently. [Amazing how they can train someone so young to do an end-of-scene stare, albeit with a pacifier in his mouth -- the kid's a natural!]

SOS

Erica has called SOS, but Mateo says Chris isn't there. Mateo offers to take a message, but Erica declines, saying she'll deliver THIS one herself. They hang up. The SOS phone rings again and this time it's an electronically disguised voice, distorted and creepy. Voice: "Congratulations, Mr. Santos. Your club is a success." Mateo laughs and says: "Who is this?" The caller hangs up.

Over at Jakey-Wakey's table, Greenlee plays with her hair while Jake says: "I wanted to take what we have for what it is." Greenlee: "Cheap? Meaningless?" Jake: "No, no, I NEVER said that!" Greenlee: "Leo did. He said I'm empty and nothing can fill me up." Jake is immediately sympathetic and gets up to comfort her: "Oh, Greenlee, I'm sorry!" Greenlee steps back: "No. No, no, no. Don't." Jake: "Listen, I care about you. You know that." Greenlee keeps her smile pasted on: "Yeah, I do, I do. You know what else? You deserve so much better." She loses her composure and bolts, saying: "I can't do this!" Jake closes his eyes in futility and watches her go.

L&L'S CONDO

Laura pulls off the cap from a bottle of pills, yanks up the blinds, opens the window and dumps them in the bushes [what she's never heard of a toilet? And why don't they have screens? I'm guessing mosquitoes aren't exactly extinct in PA] Dramatic drumbeats sound as we hear Leo coming into another room and asking where she is. [Although the drumbeats are supposed to convey a deeply dramatic moment, all I can think is that she's an ungrateful, spoiled little twit and not even very good at THAT. Rather than be worried about her discarded pills which, let's face it, can be retrieved from the bushes, I'm wondering why she only tossed the one bottle -- coward! If she's going to go for the medical dramatics, might as well go all the way and not be a pussy about it! Okay, I'm being a tad harsh. Yup.]

ON THE NEXT AMC:

Well, they didn't show that part, so I'll just make some up:

- Greenlee decides she's through with men and starts hanging out at The Blue Angel.

- David, walking home with Anna and Gabriel, trips on a pebble and sprawls flat on his face, causing Anna and Gabriel to guffaw with laughter, especially when his pants split up the back when he tries to get up.

- Mateo holds his little boy, tears up and tells him how special he is. The baby responds by pooping AND barfing all over Mateo. Mateo yells at Hayley and asks if she's been eating onions and garlic.

- Hayley once again tells her tales of woe and fear of drinking to Stuart, who tells her to put a sock in it.

- Opal realizes that Sven has the hots for her and promptly forgets about Palmer and his trophy wife as Sven treats her to a Squiggly.

- Rosa joins a convent.

- Erica decides Opal is right and sits in front of the TV watching Jerry Springer and eating a gallon of peanut-butter chocolate mocha fudge mint caramel cookie-dough ice cream with Hershey's chocolate syrup on top, smoking unfiltered Camels, belching up a 6-pack of Colt-45 and copiously (not to mention LOUDLY) farting after eating 3-alarm chile and cabbage.

- Laura plays the part of an invalid to the hilt and faints at the mall, but no one notices other than a lady pushing a stroller who nudges Laura's body out of the way with her foot.

- Adam sits in front of the fire with a nice glass of chardonnay, absorbed in a Harlequin Romance novel.

- Winifred hires a lawyer and sues Adam for providing a hostile workplace and unsafe working conditions.

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "who has Sven on speed-dial" Coutellier