Friday Update
February 16, 2001, Part 2

THE COURTLANDT CRACKER BOX

[Where was I? Oh yes, we were in the middle of a conversation with Leo and Vanessa. Speaking of Vanessa, has she ever been checked out for Tourette's Syndrome, because she makes the most inappropriate yips, gasps and snorts at the oddest times. Just a thought. I'm surprised Jake hasn't forcibly hauled her in to get her checked out. What does Jake have to do with it? Absolutely nothing at all, but that's never stopped him before, has it?]

Vanessa has been trying to convince Leo to pick up where they left off on their master grifting plan, namely fleecing Greenlee for all they can get. Leo, in the meantime, has grown a heart and doesn't want to fleece Greenlee or anyone else because he doesn't want to hurt anyone. Vanessa: "Well, if the rich can't keep track of their money, we might as well. If not us, somebody else will be right there to pick their pockets, right? Leo, you look me in the eye and tell me that you didn't love our life!" Leo sheepishly agrees that it had its moments, but firmly asserts that he is NOT going to go back. He says she was a much better accomplice than she was a mother. Vanessa keeps gently weaving her shoulders forward and back, like a little girl, as she speaks to him. She says that she did try to teach him everything she knows about survival and he was an excellent student. He agrees, but says he failed at everything that mattered. He says he's not blaming her -- they were a hell of a pair, and most of the people that they scammed deserved it -- but to Greenlee. Her father is ALREADY looting her trust fund. Vanessa is astonished. Greenlee deserves better, and Leo is not going to be the last in a long line of disappointments. Vanessa finally seems to catch on that Leo actually CARES about Greenlee. Leo: "More than I thought possible."

Vanessa tells Leo that Greenlee is a self-obsessed, spoiled little prima donna and that if the tables were turned, Greenlee would jump at the chance to take advantage of him. She doesn't think Greenlee is worthy of Leo's devotion. Leo says she's not telling him anything he doesn't already know -- he's just not going steal from her, that's all. Vanessa waves her hands around and asks him what he's going to do, find another little heiress and waste another 6 months wooing her when Greenlee is right there ripe for the harvest? He bends down and snarls at her to FORGET IT! IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! Vanessa pulls back as if he's suddenly attacking her out of the blue, saying: "All right, darling, don't bite my HEAD off!" Leo says Palmer is a very plump pigeon -- why can't she just be satisfied with that? She sits down and sighs, saying she already told him that Palmer keeps a DEATH GRIP on the money. She softly concedes that he DOES treat her very well. And since her near- death experience, he's softened considerably. She softens some more and says maybe she'll consider sticking around a while longer. He says she's a trouper. She revs up again and tells him that while she's working on Palmer, PLEASE go back to Greenlee and let her spoil him -- a new wardrobe, some jewelry, maybe. She's sitting now and Leo squats down to her level (pretty low) in a praying mantis position and asks if they are having the same conversation right now. LISTEN TO HIM! She puts up her hand in an oh-all-RIGHT manner and tries another tack, namely that he is madly in LOVE with Greenlee. He says that's EXACTLY the reason why they can't be together. Now Vanessa is thoroughly confused (and back on her feet). Leo said he broke up with Greenlee because she was dishonest with him, but he was being dishonest with HER. The whole time they were together he was planning to take her for all she was worth! Vanessa says she doesn't have to KNOW about it. Leo disagrees -- sooner or later he'd have to tell Greenlee the truth and Greenlee would not be able to survive it.

Vanessa: "Well, it's [insert cackle] it's obvious that you and I don't see eye to eye on the matter, dear. So if you say that Greenlee Smythe is off limits, I suppose I have no choice but to accept that. She looks up at him like Gloria Swanson, testing his reaction. He thanks her and says he knows how disappointed she is. She says she'll get over it -- no hard feelings. He says there are none and wishes her the best of luck separating Palmer from his fortune, but he's out of the game -- for good. He kisses her on her cheek and leaves. She sits down unsteadily and questions "For good?" The she says: "But not FOREVER for good."

VALLEY INN PARKING LOT

Greenlee is weeping copiously as she walks over and gets in her car. Once inside, she REALLY lets loose the tears and curses her father. She cries that she doesn't need HIM! She doesn't need ANYONE!

TAD & DIXIE'S HOUSE OF DIMBULBS

Dixie continues to pant and point the flashlight like it's a .357 magnum as she lurches all over the place. Despite there being no electricity, the jukebox suddenly comes to life, scaring her even more. She calls out to Leslie and says she's going to call the police [yeah, we heard you the first 17 times you said that and it's pretty much been established that none of your phones work]. As she rummages in the drawer for another cell phone batter (presumably), Leslie comes up behind her and starts to choke her, yelling "DIE, YOU BITCH, DIE!"

Leslie is starting to sound kind of pissed off. She keeps choking Dixie and complains that Dixie just wouldn't play nice and cut a deal by giving Tad to Leslie and then setting up house with David. But NOOOOOOO, Dixie has to have BOTH men. Dixie fights her off some and they dance over to the couch and tumble across it. Leslie never releases her grip and they lurch back off the couch again. Leslie: "Well, you know what? You can't have Tad! He's mine! You got it? That's it for you, Dixie Belle! You are going to fade out and I am going to fade in like you've never EXISTED!" Dixie wrenches herself forward and twists out of Leslie's arms. She whirls and wallops Leslie in the face with the flashlight. Leslie flails a little, then goes down. She stays face down on the floor. Ever true to her utter lack of common sense, rather than FINALLY running out the door, Dixie kneels down and checks her out.

When Dixie squats down and shines the light on the now-well-lit Leslie, we see blood on the floor coming from Leslie's head. Dixie whispers: "Oh God, now what am I going to do?" She stands and pants, fluttering her eyelids madly, telling herself not to panic. She has to THINK [insert the Three Stooges quote: "I'm trying to think, but nothing happens!"] she runs over to complete the battery insertion on the cell phone. She calls for the police to come to her house right away and to send an ambulance. She'd like to report a -- she turns and sees that Leslie is GONE. Rather than stay on the phone or tell them where she is, she hangs up and runs over to shine the light on the bloodstain, then out into the night.

VALLEY INN BAR

Tad asks Jake how their parents took it when he told them about the baby. Jake says they didn't exactly jump up and down and they didn't mention it to Tad, so ... Tad tells him to take it too personally, since Gillian is about to marry another guy. Jake says they were married when the baby was conceived and they are STILL married. Tad asks how long it will be until the divorce is final. Jake confidently says he put it on hold until a paternity test can be done to establish 100% that the baby is his. Tad says it looks to him like Jake is already handing out cigars and picking out the kid's college. Jake calmly sticks to his belief that the baby is and he just KNOWS it. Tad finally gives up trying to bring him back to earth and wishes him well. Tad tells him to do himself a favor. If he ever needs advice about being a father ... go to Dad. Jake says Tad LOVES being a dad. Tad agrees that there's nothing better, especially when they are young and they think you can do no wrong. Jake astutely figures out that this has something to do with the situation with Junior. Tad grouses some more about letting the bogeyman (David) into their house and how Dixie sees the good in everyone, even that reptile. Jake commiserates and wishes the whole world knew how rotten David is [the whole world DOES know -- only Dixie believes otherwise]. Tad says David has really done a number on his whole family, but the one who is REALLY going to be destroyed is Dixie.

Meanwhile, Roger has wandered from a table to the bar. He pops a cigar in is mouth and lights it with a great deal of affectation. Erica strolls in and spots him. She indignantly walks up to him and says: "Well, I certainly hope you are not planning to light that thing in HERE!" He pauses and looks at her, then at the cigar.

Jake and Tad wander BACK into the bar [where did they go in the first place?] and Jake says he has to go back to the ER. Tad says he's going to head home and watch the late news [ironically, this part of the show was cut off on the east coast version due to the U.S. bombing Iraq]. Jake suggests that a better idea would be to go home [are they both talking about the same "home"?] and tell her about what happened with Junior in the park. Tad is not looking forward to telling Dixie that he told Junior that she slept with David [actually, Junior GUESSED that -- Tad neither confirmed nor denied it]. Jake says Junior is a bright boy and would have figured it out sooner or later.

Back at the bar counter, Roger ignores Erica and deliberately lights up the cigar, and decadently puffs away on it. Erica stares at him open-mouthed before huffing out: "Well, I have never encountered such rudeness in my LIFE!" [apparently she's forgotten all about Donald Steele] She coughs ostentatiously, plucks the cigar from his hand and puts it into his empty glass where it clinks like a dime in a cup, then looks at him, appearing to be waiting for an apology suitable for the great Erica Kane. He tells her that the cigar she just ruined was an El Cubano -- does she know how mcuh that's WORTH? She ignores him and calls to the bartender, asking him to tell the gentleman that this is a smoke-free environment, then gives a look of triumph to Roger. The bartender does so and apologizes to Miss Kane. She simpers with her patented little half-smile, adding a twist, then picks up his cigar and hands it back to Roger with a "Take THAT!" attitude. She spins and walks to a table. Roger turns to watch her walk. She's wearing a lavender sparkly number with a VERY low back and puts an extra swing into her tiny hips. Roger turns back to the bar with a speculative life of one eyebrow and says: "Ms. Kane? Sometimes a cigar is just ... a cigar." He plops it into the same empty glass, except this time it makes a loud water-plop sound, not unlike a split-pea-soup-induced fart in a full tub.

ON THE ROAD

Greenlee is driving through fog so dense that visibility is ZERO. She eventually sees a taillight and waving flashlight. It's Ryan trying to flag her down. Since the lights came out of nowhere, she crashes into the car, screaming. Ryan is either hit or dives over the side and hood of his car. Greenlee gets out of her smashed car and walks back. Ryan comes running around his car. Greenlee yells at him for trying to get them both killed as he tries to ascertain if she's all right. That done, he says they need help, Gillian is sick. Greenlee says they ALL need help now that car is stuck on a rail. He says for her to get behind the wheel and he'll push. She says she can't do that -- she might have whiplash. He says he's sorry, but Gillian is VERY sick and they need to get her to the hospital. Greenlee: "Well, what do I look like, Ryan, a Siberian Husky? I can't get Gillian down this mountain!" She suggests calling for help and he tells her they are too far out to get a signal. There's a service station about a mile back -- she'll have to walk down there. She says she can't do that in designer mules. He says she HAS to go -- he has to stay with Gillian. [Let's get this straight: Ryan has legs 4' long, the breathing capacity of a whale and sensible shoes; Greenlee has legs about 2' long and is wearing designer mules. Which person should go?] Greenlee wants to sit and wait for another car to come along. Ryan says she doesn't understand -- Gillian is PREGNANT and something is wrong with the baby -- it's a matter of life and death! She HAS to help him!

From the car, Gillian weakly calls for Ryan. Ryan tells Greenlee that Gillian is in a LOT of pain and can't walk. Gillian screams some more. Ryan BEGS her to help him, saying he would do ANYTHING to repay her. Greenlee: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get the picture. You know, you and your princess always treat me like something you stepped in. If I were smart, I'd thumb a ride and leave you here to fend for yourself!" Ryan: "But you're not going to do that." Greenlee: "Why not?" Ryan: "Because you know what it's like to love someone beyond reason and you would do anything to save that person!" Greenlee defiantly juts out her jaw and says: "WRONG! I don't give a damn about you or your princess or anyone! But it's cold and a walk will warm me up, and I'll call an ambulance when I hit the station." Ryan pulls her into a bear hug: "Oh, thank you! Thank you. Thank you, Greenlee!" Greenlee slaps out of his embrace and grabs the flashlight and says: "I better not get frostbite!" She resolutely holds the flashlight out in front of her and starts marching down the road.

Ryan pulls the car door open to tell Gillian she'll be all right and that Greenlee is going to get help. Gillian, however, has passed out and he can't wake her up.

TAD & DIXIE'S HOUSE OF SCOTCH-GUARDED FLOORS

The flashlight is shining on blood the color of cherry cough syrup. It's so clearly delineated that it appears to be beaded up about 1/4" off the floor. Dixie's hand has blood on it as she raises the light with shaking arms. She backs up (without looking behind her) in a living room that's fairly well lit up from the jukebox. A gloved hand reaches out behind her and grabs her shoulder. Dixie jumps and screams like a woop-woop police siren.

ON THE NEXT AMC

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Roger stands next to Erica's table and tells her: "Unrivaled success fascinates me, as do beautiful women." Erica smiles and looks at her menu.

Junior tells David: "Why don't you just leave me alone, and my mother?"

At the hospital, Greenlee sits and cries. Tina walks up behind her and says: "Greenlee, are you all right?"

Leslie stands in a supply room and holds a bottle of something, saying: "The things I do for love."

As Gillian lies in a hospital bed Ryan desperately asks Jake: "Could she die?" Jake is breathing heavily and looks stunned.

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "woop-woop" Coutellier