Friday Update
February 16, 2001, Part 1

PREVIOUSLY ON ALL MY CHILDREN

Leo to Vanessa re her master plan to swindle Greenlee: "I love Greenlee so much that I'm not going to do anything to hurt her! You're not going to control me anymore."

Roger to Greenlee: "You were never supposed to be a part of my life in the first place. You were a mistake."

Gillian clutches her belly and shrieks: "God, that hurt!" Ryan, trying to drive: "What do you mean? Where does it hurt?" Gillian lets loose an agonizing scream.

Dixie is rummaging through a drawer when the lights go out. She screams in fright, knowing it must be due to Leslie stalking her.

RYAN'S CAR

The car is stopped on the side (presumably) of the road. As Gillian's screams continue to pierce the cool night air, Ryan keeps asking what's wrong and if it's the baby [no it's the Tandouri Chicken she had for dinner -- of COURSE it's the baby, you dimwit!] He says he's going to turn the car around (it's previously been established that they are lost) and take her back to Pine Valley. She protests, saying that she thinks it stopped. He doesn't care -- he's getting her to a hospital! Despite no hint of a problem until now, the car inexplicably won't start. Ryan puts a handy blanket over her and gets out to check out the starter. As soon as he opens the door, she screams even louder and more agonizingly than before.

THE BILLIONAIRE COURTLANDTS' ECONOMY HOTEL ROOM

Vanessa expresses surprise that Leo is in love. In her now familiar, more-then-a-little-bit-incestuous manner, Vanessa says: "Well, I suppose I should be jealous." Leo: "Oh, Mother, please." Vanessa: "No, no. It wasn't so long ago, darling, that you said that there was no other woman in the world for you except me. Remember?" Leo: "No." Vanessa: "Oh, yes, you do. You won the school prize. They gave you a -- it was really a red stone ring, but we said it was a ruby. You slipped it on my fingers, and you made me promise that I was always, always going to be your best girl." Leo: "Spare me." Vanessa barks out one of those inappropriate laughs and purrs: "I still have that ring in my jewel box. Well, I'm still your best girl." She gives permission for him to fall head over heels in love with Greenlee. He says he doesn't WANT to. Vanessa says it's not a crime compared to their last capers. She's actually FOND of Palmer. Leo says she's in love with the lifestyle and she counters that they are not mutually exclusive. He asks if it's so easy to sucker someone that she cares about. Vanessa: "Easy? Heavens, NO! Palmer knows me like the back of his hand, my dear." He still controls the money and she can't even write a check without his approval. Greenlee, on the other hand ... Leo says Greenlee is a PAIN IN THE BUTT! Vanessa points out that Greenlee ADORES him and will give him anything he wants -- all they have to do is start siphoning off her money and they can go to Rio like they planned. Vanessa gasps open-mouthed as Leo forcefully tells her to forget it -- Greenlee can't be the target anymore!

Vanessa urges Leo not to get sentimental on her now. She fondly remembers them fleecing a dowager in Monte Carlo and how Leo was the woman's lucky charm at the Baccarat tables, tipping him a million francs one night, which is nothing compared to the other perks she settled on him. Leo reminds her that the woman's son came after him with a dueling pistol. She laughs and said the pistol was so old it never would have fired. They got out of there with their lives and a few baguettes, to boot. So what better place to lay low for a while than Pine Valley? [yeah, land of tabloids and nationally syndicated TV shows] He says they came there for DAVID. She says he was a sideline -- their targets were ALWAYS Erica Kane, Palmer Cortlandt and Greenlee Smythe. They have both struck GOLD! He says to count him out of the game. She says he's not out of the game, he's just out of practice and the stakes are what they've ALWAYS been. Vanessa: "We grab as much cash as we can, and we head out to a new adventure. We kiss Dullsville good-bye and say hello to the - - the world of Glitterati!" She does her patented hiccup/gulp/snicker [hicgulsnicker?] He says he likes it there. She agrees that slummming can have its charms -- for a while -- but she and he crave ADVENTURE! Vanessa: "Come on! We crave it like a DRUG! It's who we ARE! It's what we DO!" He says they don't want the same things anymore. She asks if he likes living on Adam's yacht. What if it were his, with a full staff and he could go sailing off at a moment's notice. THAT'S the lifestyle he's become accustomed to. Leo: "You know, there are, believe it or not, more important things than money." She says he only says that because he's young. Sooner or later he'll get tired of that little harpy, Greenlee, and he'll make a quick getaway -- all she's asking is that he line his pockets with cash before he goes. He snorts and looks at her dismissively.

Leo tells Vanessa that if David hadn't fixed her heart, he'd swear to God she didn't HAVE one. She laughs it off and reminds him that he was CONSTANTLY smitten in the past. She ticks off a list of his exotic-sounding conquests in exotic-sounding locations, including the twins in Baden-Baden [one for each Baden?] and reminds him of her former wanderlust. He says he was never serious about any of them and he just wants to stay in one place now. Why is that so hard for her to accept? Vanessa says she MISSES the good old days. He asks if that's really how she remembers it. Vanessa: "Oh, we had fun. Admit it, Leo! Leo: "No, we used people. We profited from their innocence." Vanessa: "Oh, darling, come on. When one breaks the bank at Monte Carlo, one does not weep for the house." In the line of the day, she says: "And, you know, if the rich are different than we are, it's only because we understand the value of a dollar!"

VALLEY INN BAR

A drunken Roger continues to cut Greenlee to the quick with his assertions that they NEVER wanted her. Greenlee: "I was an accident?" Roger: "Accident, mistake. You BOLLIXED up the works, my dear!" He explains that kids were never a part of their plan. They're a damned nuisance -- thumb-sucking, sticky-fingered, clamoring for attention! He sneers and makes fun of their friends who had always fawned over their little rugrats as if they were geniuses. He and his wife, Mary, would vow on their way home from these visits renewing their vows to NEVER have children. Greenlee is somewhat stunned. [I remember her saying a long time ago that her parents only had eyes for each other and that she wasn't supposed to be part of the equation -- I think her surprise is not this information, but that her father would actually SAY so, and with such venom and total disregard for her feelings] He says her mother never DID like to share the spotlight. They both had an aversion to propagating the species. He planned to be the end of the family line and the Greenlee bucks were going to stop right there. [He's a Smythe, not a Greenlee, so I'm assuming he means his wife would get all the Greenlee money and he would share it] In a little voice, Greenlee starts to ask how she came into being, then. Roger: "How did you sprout? We were having cocktails one evening at our friends', the Hodges, and we both had one too many martinis over our limit. I woke up the next morning with a terrible headache and a premonition of doom. Sure enough, Mary went to the doctor and that damn rabbit died. That lucky rabbit!" She asks why they didn't get rid of her. He says they REALLY thought about it, but Mary thought Woodruff and Millie would enjoy a grandchild. They did -- they were THRILLED -- not thrilled enough to include Roger in the family business, however, so they had her for NO REASON AT ALL! Greenlee stares at him in pain as he picks up his drink.

Over at the bar, Jake tells Tad that Liza was right -- they're PATHETIC [no argument here, at least in Jake's case]. There they are crying in their beer. Tad: "I LIKE salty beer." Jake says it's different for him because no one is waiting at home for him, but Tad has DIXIE. Tad says he does NOT. Jake needles him to work it out and Tad says he has tried -- over and over! Dixie, however, has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't need him in her life.

Back at the Smythe table, Greenlee grapples with the reality of her near non-existence: "God, I am such a stupid fool. I've -- I've spent my whole life trying to please you, trying to find the one thing that would make you proud of me, to get you to smile at me just once?" Roger: "That's always been your problem, Greenlee. You set such low goals for yourself." Greenlee: "Did you ever love me, Dad? When I was a baby, did you ever hold me or make a fuss over me? Did you ever think to yourself, "that's my little girl"? She wipes a tear and stares at him. Roger, rolls his eyes and sighs heavily at the ceiling, saying that now she's getting maudlin. Greenlee: "I would have done ANYTHING for you -- turned a hundred cartwheels, won a spelling bee, painted you a perfect sunset! But it wouldn't have mattered. I never even existed for you, not even after I was born. I never had a chance!" The tears a flowing more freely now. Roger drunkenly over-enunciates as he proclaims to the air: "You're just like your mother -- a bottomless well of self- pity!" Greenlee huffs at him in disbelief: "You ADORE Mommy!" She says that was the problem -- they were so crazy about each other that there was no room for HER! Roger says they were NEVER a lovematch. She points out their endless globetrotting honeymoon. He says they were just going to all her mother's art shows. Roger: "Have you ever actually tried to converse with an artist? Huh? With apologies to Gertie Stein, there is no 'THERE' there! Anyway, your mother's idea of happiness and mine did not intersect on any plane." Greenlee: "Then why did you stay together all these years?" Roger: "Why do you think? M-O-N-E-Y. Mary's, not mine. And she never let me forget that. Neither did Woody. You know, I should have walked long a when I still had an opportunity to score a good settlement!" Greenlee is absolutely stunned at this revelation and wants to know if Mommy knows. Roger looks flustered and quickly changes the subject. He says it's the booze talking and to forget about everything he said. Greenlee's voice goes hoarse as she cries and says: "You told me there's no room for me in your life, Daddy, that there never HAS been! How the hell am I supposed to forget about that?" She gets up and runs out. He momentarily starts to get up, but decides it's too much work and tells the bartender to refresh his drink.

Jake watches Greenlee run out, but doesn't do anything. Tad asks if he's sure he doesn't want another glass of suds and Jake asks if he's sure he doesn't want to check on Dixie. Tad grumbles that she's probably thanking David right now for the roses. Jake says he can't be sure of that and Tad says he doesn't WANT to be sure. Tad wants to change the subject and says: "Please tell me that Gumby little smile on your face is not because of Greenlee Smythe." Sure enough, Jake has an insufferably smug grin on his face. Jake says he's not even close. He happily tells Tad that Gillian is pregnant and odds are that the baby is his. Tad: "Hah?" Jake tells him about Gillian being under the influence of Libidozone at the party and says that he and Gillian got together and made a baby (like that was the purpose). Tad is skeptical, suggesting that Ryan might have something to do with it, but Jake is sure of it. He just knows, that's all. Yes, Ryan knows and he's not thrilled about it, but Jake IS. Tad gives half-hearted, questionable congratulations. He stares at Jake as Jake keeps grinning and talks about how he's going to be there from day one, blah, blah, blah. Tad is careful to keep his face neutral, but he clearly thinks Jake is deluding himself.

TAD & DIXIE'S HOUSE

Dixie pants in terror against a wall, then bolts to the drawer again to look for a flashlight [I wish MY place had that much light when the electricity goes out (a common occurrence these days)]. She finds the flashlight and heaves a sigh of relief, frantically pointing the light around the room. She gasps in fear and surprise when the light lands on Leslie's face in front of the front door. Leslie: "All the better to see you with, my dear." Leslie has been holding a magazine, then suddenly throws it in Dixie's face. Knowing the lethal capabilities of an issue of Tempo, Dixie's screams, drops the flashlight and ducks, spinning around. She immediately starts to look for the fallen flashlight. Leslie: "Oops, now you're REALLY in the dark. But you're used to that, aren't you?" Dixie finds the light and shines it back in Leslie's face, demanding to know what she wants. Leslie says she knows the answer to that as well as she does. Dixie garners some moxie and tells her that her sick little game is OVER! Leslie had better get out before she calls the police! Leslie just laughs and asks how she's going to do that with a phone on the fritz and a cell phone with a dead battery. Leslie would rather play hide and seek. She'll hide and Dixie will seek. Leslie, looking feral, laughs maniacally and dodges away from the light. Dixie flails the light around, looking in the opposite direction of where Leslie lunged. Like the current state of the living room, Dixie isn't particularly bright.

Rather than just run out the door, Dixie holds the flashlight out in front of her, turning in circles [picture Jame Gumb and Agent Starling in Silence of the Lambs, including the suspenseful music]. Leslie taunts her from the patio doors, then ducks when Dixie whirls around to shine the light on her. Leslie's disembodied voice continues to bait her: "Over here, Dixie. Tick-tock goes the clock", she coos. Dixie: "Where are you?" Leslie: "Still lost in the dark, Dix? Well, here's a clue -- when the going gets rough, you can find me in a trap." Dixie whirls and triumphantly shines the flashlight on the giant golfball. Dixie continues to yelp and twirl, occasionally trying to blind us with the light, as Leslie continues to deliberately knock things over and taunt her from every part of the room, saying she's always one step ahead of her and as close as her shadow. Dixie pants more rapidly than a dog chasing a car and Leslie torments her over and over and over.

RYAN'S MALFUNCTIONING CHARIOT

Ryan lowers the hood as Gillian softly moans and lolls her head on the seat. He asks how she's feeling, and she weakly (downright pitifully) says she's better. Really. Did he fix the car? Well, no, he didn't have the tools. He's going to call a tow-truck on is cell phone. Gillian tearfully grunts as Ryan discovers he can't get a signal [he must be parked in my living room, then]. Gillian howls at the sunroof as a spasm wracks her body. She's so consumed with pain that she can barely speak; Ryan obviously takes this into consideration as he asks her if she can walk with him to the service station about a mile back since he doesn't want to leave her alone. She says she thinks she can [she also said repeatedly that she was better, but that didn't appear to be quite the case, now did it? Considering all those rippling muscles of his, he should just have her steer while he PUSHES the car back to the service station. Failing that, he should just toss her over his shoulders and run all the way] She moans to God as he gets out to go around and open her door. He helps her up and she manages to get about 4 feet before collapsing on the ground.

Gillian apologizes to him and he brings her back to the car. He reclines the seat about 1.5", then gets in the car again. She shrieks again, saying the pain is getting WORSE, like she's having the baby, but it's too soon [ya think?] He tries to talk her through the pain and works on getting her to time her breathing by visualizing waves coming onto shore and back out again (the fastest waves in the world). That works for about 15 seconds, whereupon she screams some more. He says he's going to get out of the car and wave down a flag [blooper alert]. They profess their love for each other and he assures her that everything is going to be all right. He gets out, looking grim. Gillian prays to God to let her baby be okay.

[to be continued]

Irreverently submitted,

Robin "will Jake sue Gillian for pain and suffering?" Coutellier