Friday Update
February 2, 2001

PREVIOUSLY ON AMC

A tearful Greenlee to Leo: "Do you really think I needed to know that my parents have been stealing from me? You're an idiot, Leo! You just don't get it!"

Jake to a hospital-gowned Gillian: "The timing doesn't lie. This has to be my child, Gillian."

Leslie to a pensive David: "Get me more of that drug, David, or you will lose EVERYTHING, including the delightful Dixie Martin."

Tad to a silent Dixie: "Did you sleep with him again tonight?"

[First, let me just say that I LOVED Liza turning the tables on the hypocritical, adulterant Dixie]

THE HOLY PATERNAL MARTIN SHRINE

Tad is apparently staying at Joe's house. He answers the door to find Dimitri and Edmund at the door [this HAD to fall on a FRIDAY?] They want to talk to Jake, but Jake isn't home. [The brothers grim look like a couple of bulldogs. I think Dimitri has a chain dangling from his right side, possibly from his choker, which come in hand in the Marick clan] In response to their queries, Tad tells them he and Dixie are having problems. Dimitri says they should be able to work out their problems. Tad says he wouldn't be too sure about that with Hayward slithering around out there. Dimitri, ears ever pricked for info about finding Alex, is startled and wants to know what Hayward has to do with it. Tad says David and his Libidozone are responsible for landing him in his parent's guestroom. He'd give anything to connect David with what happened on Ryan's yacht that night. Edmund tells him that they CAN connect him to the Libidozone. Dimitri kicks in that they have the shipping order from Carlquist Labs in Switzerland, addressed to David Hayward. Tad asks them to help by showing the order to Dixie to make her see who and what David really is.

Tad asks if they aren't going after him. Edmund says that so far they only have the shipping order. Tad wants them to shove it in his face and see what he says. Dimitri tells him that they already did that. David claims he DID receive the drug, but that it was stolen before the party. Tad says he's lying. Edmund says that David swears he was only using it for research, but he stopped the experimentation when Alex objected. Tad says he didn't stop for ANY reason -- he was using that drug for one reason and one reason only -- to get to Dixie. Dimitri agrees and says that Alex got caught in the middle. She must have seen David do something suspicious at the party and he made sure she disappeared. She's been gone for weeks now and they don't have a clue as to where she is. [Weeks? Try MONTHS. Usually they refer to time the other way around.] There's a knock at the door. It's Dixie, who is apologizing for the night before. She sees Edmund and Dimitri and, abashed, greets them. She says she didn't realize he had company and makes a move to leave. Tad stops her and says that the brothers grim have very important info about her friend, Dr. Hayward. She's GOT to believe him -- David is NOT the man she thinks he is.

Dixie closes her eyes briefly and says she didn't come there for his latest theory about David. The brothers grim leave, asking Tad to tell Jake. Dimitri is wearing what he probably thinks is a tactful face, but he looks more like an irritated, toothless clown. Dixie asks what's going on and says it's obvious he's up to something with Edmund and Dimitri. Tad says he's not up to anything -- HAYWARD is the one she's got to WORRY about. Dixie closes her eyes again and exhales in exasperation at his one- track mind, then says that Hayward is NOT the one that's LYING to her. He asks how she knows that. She thinks she KNOWS the "man behind the mask", but she doesn't have a CLUE! He says there are a couple of things she doesn't know about Hayward. [I'm noticing that no one but Dixie seems to be using his first name anymore. Kind of reminds me of the OJ trial] Dixie: "And you just can't WAIT to tell me, can you?" Tad plods on, telling her about the drug shipment from Carlquist Labs. She says David orders stuff from there all the time, so what? He tells her it was for Libidozone, and she actually ponders that a moment before shifting her eyes to come up with an excuse for David. Dixie: "Well, so, ok. Guilt by shipping order." She ridicules him for his flimsy "proof" that David is some sort of out-of-control mad person. Tad: "After what happened on that BOAT? COME ON! Dixie thinks there's some sort of logical explanation (but her eyelids are starting to flutter. Tad says he used it for a little pet project, which is destroying their MARRIAGE. Dixie says she's NOT going to listen to this. Tad: "Why do you defend him? Why do you refuse to see what everyone else knows?" She asks why he's so intent on revenge [maybe because David is so intent on schtupping you?] And to drag Dimitri and Edmund into it? Tad says they weren't dragged into ANYTHING -- they happen to think David has something to do with Alex's disappearance. Dixie thinks that's ludicrous! Tad: "No, it's true. Alex knew that Hayward had the Libidozone. Then all of a sudden, she vanishes? Hello?" Dixie's eyes flutter madly and she shrugs her shoulders at the absurdness of his accusations. She asks if there's more. He says yeah, there is -- there's Leslie. Dixie gets snide: "Yes, there is Leslie." He says he thinks Leslie was David's accomplice. Dixie's eyes don't blink at all as, arms folded, she says: "So between the drug lord and the vixen, you're quite the victim, aren't you?" [I didn't see, but I think her toe was tapping and a rolling pin was nearby] He says that's not what he meant. She points out that Leslie is David's LAWYER, not his partner in CRIME! [I will stifle myself here in deference to our loyal legal fans] She changes tack slightly and says she came to apologize for what happened last night and to see if they could work things through. Tad: "How do you propose we do that when you refuse to see the truth?" Dixie spits out a little huff of frustration and tilts her head at him.

Dixie says she knows the truth. He slept with Leslie and he lied about it. He said he stopped seeing her and he lied about it. He has explanations and accusations and conspiracy theories all over the place. Dixie: "It's -- I'm tired of it, Tad. You blame David for everything that's wrong with US. It's got to stop!" Tad's voice breaks as says he's trying to save their marriage. She says he's NOT, he's just competing with David. He says yes, he is, and he's LOSING because he shows her the side that he wants her to see and it's NOT the truth. Tad: "Whether you want to believe it or not, he's a very dangerous man, and I'm afraid he's going to hurt you." Dixie: "Like you hurt me?" He stares at her for a moment, then gets back on track. Through gritted teeth, Tad says: "He's USING you." Dixie bobbles her head as she earnestly says: "He's a good man! Don't you know how hard it was for him to operate on his mother last night? I mean, that took a lot of personal dedication and -- and courage. Are those the traits of a madman?" Tad stares at her, then calmly says: "All right. I'll shut up about David. But you do ME a favor. Ask him about Libidozone." Dixie: "Why? Why should I?" Tad: "Because if you don't, he's just going to go on manipulating you." [like her asking him is going to stop him!] Dixie: "David will hurt me? David will lie to me? All the things that YOU'RE guilty of, Tad. I just can't listen to it anymore." [she never does] She turns and walks out, slamming the sacred Martin front door. Tad turns glumly away.

DAVID'S OFFICE, WHERE THE ABC.COM PAINT PEELS FROM THE CAUSTICITY

David calls Dixie just to hear her voice. She asks about Vanessa, but he says he's much more concerned about her, considering he Medi-Vac'd her into an ambush last night: "Liza, Palmer, the Martin boys. What was I thinking?" She says she was glad she was there because she got to see all his courage [oh BARF!] -- she got to see him save his mother's life last night. He says he did it for her. She says he did it for a deeper reason -- for himself [not so deep, then]. Leslie chooses that moment to barge into his office, trilling: "Oh, Doctor! You've got to fix my broken heart!" Leslie: "I CAME for my Libidozone!" [I thought it was the other way around]

In their next scene, David is on the phone again, telling someone that the new temp is not working out. He demands that they find a secretary with a BRAIN and slams the phone down. Leslie heaves a sigh and tells him that he promised her a batch of Libidozone and she wants it NOW. He says he was in the OR all night. She doesn't believe him. David: "My mother was SHOT, Leslie, a bullet lodged in the heart!" Leslie leans over and in a ridiculing, yet conspiratorial manner says: "And you didn't finish her off on the table?" He tells her to come back tomorrow. Leslie: "No, we had a DEAL." David: "You mean blackmail?" Leslie: "Whatever." She threatens to tell Dixie EVERYTHING if he doesn't deliver. David: "What makes you think that Dixie's going to believe anything coming from the SLUT who slept with her husband?" Leslie: "Oh, I can be very convincing." David: "Yeah, right! If you need an APHRODISIAC to hold on to Tad, maybe you should give it up." Leslie: "No, he just has Dixie on the brain. The only way that I can remind him that we were made for each other --" David: "Yeah, is to drug him out of his gourd so that he'll relive the sodden sex on that yacht? Ooh, how romantic." She says she is THISCLOSE to getting the man she wants and she will NOT give up! She gets girlish and pouts that he said he would help her. He says he made another batch, gesturing to something on his desk. They both dive for it. David: "But I changed my mind. I'm not giving you Libidozone, Leslie." [Good strategy -- she needs some Thorazine with a Zoloft chaser, STAT!] She thinks she realizes what he REALLY wants, and asks how much money it will cost. He shakes his head. They both still have their hands on the container.

Leslie: "You want me to beg?" David: "Well, that would be nice to see someday at the appropriate time, but not now." He says he's not giving her an illegal drug -- it's unscrupulous. Leslie: What, has your MISTRESS been teaching you SCRUPLES? He waves a vial around and tells her not to make him call Security. Leslie: "Listen, you had no trouble using that drug before. Don't expect me to believe that you're having a crisis of conscience!" David, with all the sincerity of a used car salesman after you've finished telling him about your hemorrhoids, says: "I made a lot of mistakes that I have profoundly regretted." Leslie: "Yes, I'm going to profoundly regret regaling Dixie with all the sordid details of how you orchestrated her seduction." David: "She won't believe you." Leslie taunts him: "You want to take that chance? Think about it, David. Will she still look up at you with those adoring eyes? Will she still beg you to hold her, to make love to her?" She lunges at the vial and spews: "I don't think so!" David grips her hand and makes lots of eye contact when he says: "You DON'T want to cross me, Leslie." She stares at him with a look of grim determination. [Little side story here: Back in the late 70s, I came out of the ladies room at work to find myself face-to-ass with the guy repairing the copier machine. He was wearing those fabulously tight "Angel's Flight" pants and had a FANTASTIC ass! I admired it for a while, smiled to myself and went back to my desk where someone was waiting for me. He looked at me and jumped back a little, feigning fright. "What?" I said, taken aback by the look on his face, "What's wrong?!" He told me that he didn't know, just that I had a look of "grim determination" on my face. ROTFL!!! Ah, memories!]

PINE VALLEY HOSPITAL/CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION DISPENSARY

Myrtle, clearly volunteering based on the overblouse she's wearing that one usually finds in the Montgomery Ward Old Lady Housecoat dept, greets Jake. Her hair is so brilliantly red that sparks are flying off of it. She says he's very bright-eyed for a fellow who was up so late last night. She's heard about Vanessa. She also knows he went to a bar with his father and brother. He wonders if she has a crystal ball, but she says she had a chat with his father. Jake leans over and asks if Joe told her that Gillian is pregnant. Isn't that great? There's going to be another Martin running around by the end of the summer. Myrtle fakes a bright smile and roles her eyes a little, stammering his name as he tells her to be happy for him. [Am I the only one starting to hear the refrain from Al Bundy's favorite TV show, "Psycho Dad!"?] She says she wants him to be happy, but isn't it a bit too soon? [in her head: "Considering Jake and Gillian screw more times a day than the air-powered lug- nut driver at a 24-hour tire outlet?"] He says he missed so much with Colby [Oh, PULEEZE! You took her for visitation so often that the Pope is investigating!], and this time it's going to be different! He's going to be with this baby from the beginning and it's going to have the best care and most love from day one. He speaks reverently of burping and diapering. She says he was so hurt when he lost Colby and warns him not to put all his hopes on this baby; is he sure it's HIS baby? He's positive -- he FEELS it [Gillian's fetus: "In the womb, no one can hear you scream, but I AM screaming!"] He looks beatific and serene. She reminds him that Gillian and Ryan are together now. He says he and Gillian DID love each other and they created this child. She says that even if that's true, R&G will be married and raise the child together -- RYAN will be the legal father.

After talking to Gillian, Jake turns back to Myrtle and asks what she thinks of naming the child "Ruth" if it's a girl. She tells him Ruth would probably tell him not to rush things. He says he just spoke to Gillian, and she's coming over to talk. Myrtle asks how she's taking it. He says she's in shock, but he thinks she's going to come around. She once again tells him that Gillian is going to marry Ryan -- she's making plans that DON'T INCLUDE HIM! He says that's why he's going to insist on paternity tests. If he IS the father, he's going to insist on shared custody. Myrtle: "Whether she wants to or not?" He walks from behind the nurses desk and motions her over to the waiting benches in the hallway [I don't know why, since there wasn't anyone at the desk but him]. He says he is the father of this child and Gillian is just going to have to accept it. Myrtle: "What if she says no?" Jake: "Well, I don't even want to think about that now, but I do have legal options." Myrtle tells him that when you had the awful battle about Colby, it tore him apart, sent him to Chechnya, and he lost Gillian. She couldn't bear to see him going through that pain again! Jake: "Myrtle, I will do anything for my child." Myrtle: "I know you would. I mean, you chose to lose Colby rather than drag the baby through a horrible, ugly court case. And you can't -- you mustn't do the same thing to this baby." Jake says there there won't be a struggle this time because Gillian and he are going to do what's best and make the right decisions. Jake: "And it's different. This baby's my own FLESH AND BLOOD, and Colby wasn't." Myrtle asks if this about the baby, or if he's hoping to hold on to Gillian. Jake: "I know I've lost Gillian." Myrtle: "Yeah, but here, right there [she taps on his chest] -- do you think maybe if you share the baby you might keep the relationship with Gillian alive?" Jake: "I don't know. I just want her to be happy." Myrtle: "Well, happy about the baby or about you being the father? Jake, darling, don't expect too much!" Jake: "I want to be a part of my child's life." Myrtle: "Yes, but that's for another time. But right now, don't push Gillian, or you're going to drive her away!" She leaves and says the offer of a cup of tea with her is open.

THE GOOD SHIP SCREW-ME

Leo walks into the main cabin and Ryan asks after Vanessa's health and tosses in that he and Gillian are praying for her [somehow, praying is not what comes to mind when these two get on their knees]. Leo says it's touch and go and that he could use another prayer because Adam was acting like a bear grilling Vanessa about Hayley and Leo told him to beat it. Ryan says, in that case, prayers won't help. Leo switches the subject to Stan Berringer, their investment guru, who says they are already seeing returns. Leo reinvested his profits, except for the $1k he used for his date with Laura. Gillian enters wearing an ugly gray skirt and a bulky foreign-flavored top (Russian? Asian?) They hug and she smiles wanly.

Ryan pours Gillian some coffee or tea, commenting that 4 sugars are coming up. Leo gags and Ryan explains that it's a Hungarian thing. Gillian declines the drink. He asks if she's dizzy again and she says she's fine. He picks her up and twirls her around [not like a baton, but that would be kind of cool, wouldn't it?], offering champagne, caviar and anything else she wants. He suggests Valentine's Day for getting married and she points out that she's not divorced yet. He says he knows that, but she WILL be any day and they she'll be ALL his! Smooches. Laura skips in (without knocking). Leo puffs his cheeks like he's holding in a monumental burp and gives her the shush sign, pointing to the lip-locked couple. Not wanting to break the trance of the love- struck couple, she walks up to them and asks if she's interrupting. Ryan says everything is going great and a little love can't hurt. Having successfully pried them apart, she offers to leave. Leo tells her to wait for him -- all this mushy stuff is bad for his stomach. Ryan asks her to stay and go over projections with him since she's going to do their PR photos.

The phone rings and Gillian gets it. It's Jake, who has relapsed and, once again, is incapable of pronouncing the L's in her name. He wants to come and see her right now. She says it's not a good time. He states that she's pregnant with his child. Gillian says ok-ok, but not HERE. He gets santiMartinous [kudos to Aisling (I think) for that word!], sputtering indignantly that she hasn't told Ryan yet! She asks where he is. He says she HAS to tell Ryan what's going on, then says she's on her way, hanging up on him. Ryan innocently inquires as to the nature of the call and she says it was the Library -- she had ordered a book and its come in, so she's going to leave to pick it up. She quietly asks him if he knows how much she loves him. Really. Honestly. Truly. For sure. You betcha. Ryan: "I do know -- every single minute of every single day. They smooch some more and Leo points at them, telling Laura: "Hey! You see my working conditions? It's a real strain."

Gillian leaves and Ryan spins to tell Leo and Laura their next big assignment. They are going to hold a contest and participants are going to submit their most romantic dream, just in time for Valentine's Day! Can Laura work with Leo on this? She says she's doing this job as Independent Study and doesn't have classes [how convenient], so she's all his. They decide to go to the Valley Inn for Eggs Benedict to discuss it.

PINE VALLEY BAR AND GRILL

Greenlee hesitantly walks in and says good morning to Woodruff, who is sitting at a table with her father, Roger. She says she didn't know her father was going to be there and Woody says he didn't know until just that morning. Roger asks if she's been keeping out of trouble. She crosses her arms and asks why he's there and he says he's just passing through -- he's sorry he didn't have her number. she looks hurt, then bucks up and says: "Don't bother, ok, you never call." He says a course in anger management might do her some good. She says: "I'm not angry, I just -- never mind. Are you staying overnight? Maybe we could have dinner." Roger: "I'm leaving just as soon as Woody and I finish our business." Greenlee: "Does what I feel even MATTER to you, Daddy?" Roger: "You know, you mustn't take this so personally, dear. It's not healthy." Greenlee: "I just wish I could see more of you. Well, how's Mother? Does she like Spain?" He tells her Mumsy is back in San Diego and he's going to join her in a couple of hours. Woody stands up and awkwardly says he has calls to make and suggests they have breakfast and catch up. Greenlee's eyes are dark and somewhat unreadable, but readable enough that we know she is hurt and intimidated, yet strong and determined. She asks if he's still mad at her. He says the charges were dropped and she hasn't killed anyone, at least not yet, he presumes. She says she meant about what Leo said about her trust fund. Roger pretends he doesn't know what she's talking about and then remembers, telling her not to be ridiculous -- he's forgotten all about that (i.e., he's not mad about something that is so clearly her fault and Leo's fault). Greenlee: "Then why are you punishing me?"

Greenlee: "Daddy, Leo said some horrible things, and when you left you were so angry." Roger: "Oh, that's right! He accused me of plundering your trust account. [he chuckles indulgently] Impudent! But then that sort always is." Greenlee: "What 'sort' is Leo?" Roger: "The Eurotrash pretty boy who never met an heiress he didn't like. I hope you've kept your distance. She says Leo's not like that. She hesitates and looks down, then says that she trusts him. Roger looks incredulous and somewhat insulted: "You can't possibly believe him, that I would stoop so low as to pilfer my own child's trust account?" Greenlee looks at him searchingly, then smiles hopefully as she says: "I know you love me too much to do something like that." He gives a hesitant look of his own.

Leo and Laura walk in. He stops for a moment to take in the sight of Greenlee and her father at a table. L&L are both distracted by Greenlee and her father and Laura asks if she should try somewhere else. Leo says no. It's not Greenlee, it's her DAD -- he can't believe that loser's back in town already. Laura. "Hmmm. SO what's the brainstorm?" Leo orders 2 cappuccinos and 2 Eggs Benedict. [I suddenly have a craving for scrambled eggs, but I'm out of eggs. I have a craving for chocolate, too, which I'm also out of.] He says Laura now has his undivided attention. What should they name the contest? She suggests "The Dream Weaver Contest". Leo [who really needs a haircut right about now] runs with that: "That's not bad. That's not bad. All our dream weavers will submit their most impossibly romantic dreams?" Laura: "And their dreams come true, courtesy of IncredibleDreams.Com." Leo: "Well, within reason, of course. I mean, there's no honeymoons on Mars or fathering Julia Roberts' child or anything like that." She asks if employees can enter and he says no. She says that's too bad and starts to fantasize.

In her fantasy, Laura, wearing a teal, spaghetti-strapped dress, is on the yacht. She smiles as she sees Leo and walks to meet him in front of the large stained-glass mural. He caresses her face, then bends to kiss her. lights flicker and curtains billow n the breeze. [Actually, it's downright windy -- looks like a Nor'Easter] Sexy music plays as they run on deck. Leo pints to something in the distance and whispers something incredibly sexy into her ear. For no apparent reason, they turn to stand among billowing pieces of white canvas. He holds her neck and kisses her again as the wind creates a new part in the back of her head.

Leo calls her name and brings her back to the reality of the bar. She says she was daydreaming. He asks if she minds sharing and she says it was just girlie stuff. She asks if HE has any incredible dreams. Leo: "Yeah, actually, I do. It involves a vat of chocolate and consenting adults." [He and Greenlee may have already made THAT dream come true] They laugh.

Greenlee, hearing them laugh, looks over her shoulder, chagrined. She tells him she's been thinking. Roger, totally serious: "That's always dangerous, dear." Greenlee takes a breath and continues: "Pine valley's such a drag this time of year. You know, the weather's dreary, the yokels are so -- yokel. How about I come to San Diego and visit you and Mommy? Wouldn't that be fun?" Roger: "No, I'm afraid that's not possible." Greenlee: "Why?" Roger: "Your mother's redoing the house." Greenlee: "Again?" Roger: "Feng Shui this time." Greenlee: "Well, I could stay in the guest house. Please, Daddy, let me come home! I swear, I'll stay out of the way!" Roger: "We both know that never happens."

Greenlee viciously snaps her napkin open and slaps it across her lap hard enough to leave welts as she say: "You have no problem with my MONEY. It's just ME you can't stand!" Roger: "Greenlee --" Greenlee lashes out: "You know, I'm your DAUGHTER, not a PIGGY BANK! I'm going to be out of money if Mommy doesn't find a cheaper hobby!" Roger, cooly detached, as always: "Well, I had hoped that we could have a nice --" Greenlee: "You HOPED you could get in and out of town without seeing me!" Roger stands and buttons his jacket, leaving a perfectly tasty meal untouched: "If I hurry, I can catch an earlier flight. Tell Woody I'll call him." Greenlee watches him, hurt. She stares down at her plate and pushes it away, about to cry. Leo excuses himself from Laura and rushes over to Greenlee, who lifts her head up in resignation and asks what he wants. He thanks her for last night and she asks about his mom. Leo: "Thanks to you, I was there when she woke up." Greenlee: "She's going to be all right, then?" Leo: "It takes everything except a silver bullet to get to Vanessa." He asks after HER parental unit. She pastes a brilliant smile on her face and enthusiastically says: "It was a total surprise! He and Mommy miss me so much they want me to come back there for a visit! I'd rather be anywhere than San Diego in February. It's social death, if you know what I mean, but they even redid my room for me. How could I say no?" Her face looks like it's about to crack. Leo: "Liar." Her smile dies and she tells him to leave her alone and stop pretending he gives a damn about her problems. He stares at her thoughtfully.

In the next scene, Leo is back at his table eating eggs and Greenlee is resolutely eating. She stands to leave and Woody comes back asking where her father went. She says he's on a plane to San Diego, the demands an AUDIT of her trust fund -- TODAY! With another look of grim determination [heh, heh], she clomps off, leaving Woody open-mouthed. Laura comments that Leo knows how to make quite an exit. Leo nods and apologizes for being lousy company, and she excuses him, saying he's on the rebound. Leo: "Yeah, I'm a real chick magnet." Laura: "Well, anyone looking to settle down with Mr. Right should keep moving. But good thing I'm just in it for fun." She smiles at him and he sheepishly raises his eyes at her as he sips his cappuccino. [I study her make-up, which very carefully shapes her eyes into a catlike slant. Methinks some feline plastic surgery is in her future, like that really weird rich lady in Manhattan. I can't wait to see what she looks like with whiskers!]

PINE VALLEY HOSPITAL/MARTIN BABY MATERNITY WARD

Gillian shows up and curtly asks what he wants. He thanks her for coming and says he just wants to make sure she's ok. She says she's fine. Jake: Are you sure? I mean, because I know that this pregnancy is the last thing that you expected or that you wanted, and you and Ryan have your whole future ahead of you, and --" Gillian drops the curtness and rambles about how unreal it is to be having a baby. He says it IS real and she HAS to tell Ryan. She asks how can she tell Ryan about it when he's so happy? How can she tell him she's carrying JAKE'S child? It will break his heart! [Jake's brain: "Oh boo-hoo!"] He says Ryan loves her and will accept the child, he KNOWS it. Gillian: "Ryan and I are finally free to be together. How can I ask him to accept your child?" Jake: "Well, you just have to think about this baby." Gillian: "Well, all I can think about is Ryan and how unhappy this will make him. If I decide to --" Jake: "GILLIAN, you CANNOT terminate this pregnancy!"

Jake advances on her menacingly enough that she steps back. Jake: "Gillian, TELL me that you're going to have this child!" Gillian: "I haven't thought that far ahead. I still can't believe I'm pregnant! My body feels the SAME. I have NO maternal feelings. Maybe I'll be a terrible mother!" [Jake's brain: "No problemo -- hand the little sprite over to ME! I'll have you declared unfit -- case closed!"] He insists she's a natural, listing motherly things she did with Colby, like dangling necklaces in front of her face. She says it's complicated. He begs her to tell him she's not going to do anything rash. She says she doesn't know WHAT she's going to do. He says the first thing to do is focus on the child and everything else will fall into place. While you're here, why don't you go in and have a sonogram?" She gets angry and says she's NOT ready for that. Jake: "I just think that if you see a picture of the baby, then --" She tells him to knock it off and he apologizes. Then he pushes her to talk to Dr. Clader. Jake: "There's no commitments, there's no decisions, no tests. Just get some advice from him, ok?" She concedes that she liked volunteering in Dr. Clader's office. He pounds the stake in a little further, saying that she has a FRIEND here who is on her side. What's the harm? She agrees there's no harm in talking to Dr. Clader. He tells her to stay there, he'll be right back. He rushes off, presumably to strong-arm Dr. Clader into leaving the baby that's currently crowning in the Delivery Room so he can soothe Gillian. Gillian stares after him, feeling cornered.

Myrtle, quite the busybody today, strolls into the waiting area and greets Gillian. Myrtle asks if she's there to see the doctor. "Doctor?" questions Gillian as she stands in a hospital waiting area. Myrtle says Jake told her the good news and one's got to start taking care of oneself from the moment one knows oneself is pregnant. Gillian is furious: "You know I'm PREGNANT? I can't believe this!" Myrtle: "Oh, it's a secret?" [This from the woman who has dispensed tea and sympathy to young people since before I was born, who gave her daughter up for adoption from the Fanny Battle Home For Unwed Mothers after her lover died in a tragic acrobatic fall in the carny] Gillian: "No! No, he had no RIGHT!" Myrtle: "But, darling, you have to understand he's very, very excited about it!" Gillian whirls on her: "I don't CARE! He shouldn't have DONE that!" [I hope she sues his sorry ass!]

Gillian pleads with Myrtle: "Myrtle, this child isn't his! It CAN'T be. Can you talk to him, please?" Myrtle: "Well, look, darling, I tried, but he's just full of excitement about this baby!" Gillian: "Well, no matter what happens, somebody's going to get hurt. I don't know what to do!" Myrtle: "Darling, look -- look, it's going to work out somehow, but the important thing is, take care of yourself. Promise?" Myrtle chucks her on the chin and walks away. Gillian looks desolate and undecided as she says to the air: "What am I going to do?" She walks out.

Jake and Dr. Clader walk into the waiting area as Jake says: "Well, she hasn't seen a doctor yet and, frankly, she's a little shaky about the pregnancy. But she trusts you." Dr. Clader warmly remembers Gillian volunteering for him. Jake looks around, but doesn't see Gillian. He starts to breathe heavily: "Um -- she was just here."

BACK ON THE YACHT O' DOOM & BAD MANNERS

Dimitri and Edmund, who are apparently attached at the hip now, hop on their three legs into the main cabin. Edmund says they saw the police tape and ask about any news on Vanessa Cortlandt's shooting. Ryan: "No, they're still trying to sort it out. Thank God she's going to be all right! Shooting, the drugged punch, a nearly drowned guest, and your wife's disappearance -- this boat is definitely cursed!" Edmund apparently has a dandruff problem or some other skin condition, because he keeps scratching behind his right ear. [I watch for his leg to start spinning, but it stays curiously inert]. Dimitri uses his hands to sort imaginary library books as he says they've been able to link David Hayward to a Ly-beed-o-zone shipment. Ryan jumps up and says: "I KNEW IT!" Dimitri tells him not to jump the gun -- they need hard evidence to link David to the spiking the punch and Alex's disappearance. They said they didn't find anything in Bristol, which is why they are there -- maybe they missed something. Dimitri excuses himself to answer his cell phone and yells hello so loudly that I jump in my chair. It's Alex who says: "It's Alex."

Dimitri: "ALEX!" Edmund, looking mildly concerned says: "What?" Dimitri: "WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU SAFE?" Alex: "Yeah, I'm fine. I love you." She's standing in a room with wood paneling. There's a gold-toned painting next to her -- looks a little marshy. Dimitri: "WELL, YEAH, I -- I LOVE YOU, TOO. NOW, PLEASE, DARLING, TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE!" Alex: "No, not now, darling. I can't." Dimitri: "ALEX, WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Alex looks wary, as if someone might be coming back into the room: "I wish I could tell you, but I can't. Not yet." She hangs up. Dimitri: "ALEX, HAVE YOU BEEN TAKEN AGAINST YOUR WILL? IS IT HAYWARD? DID HAYWARD ABDUCT YOU? ALEX? ALEX!" [All this yelling is giving me a headache -- I don't blame her for hanging up on him] Edmund with no particular interest in the conversation: "What is it?" Dimitri (dropping his voice to a whisper): "Hold on, hold on. I lost her. I lost her again!"

BACK AT DAVID'S OFFICE OF ILL REPUTE

The camera focuses close-up on three hands grappling with the Libidozone vial. [for a moment, I absurdly think it's like a Police Squad movie (I ALWAYS think of Leslie Nielson when I see Dr. Clader, anyway) where there's a 3rd arm there, but it turns out to be 2 of David's roaming hands and 1 of Leslie's] David: "I never should have made this!" He locks it in his flimsy desk drawer. Leslie: "What are you doing?" David: "I'm going to dispose of it later." Leslie: "You can't!" David: "It's not your call." She comes around the desk and tries to grab the key. Leslie: "No!" David: "GET OUT!" Dixie walks up outside David's office and overhears Leslie threatening him: "If you don't give it to me, I will tell Dixie more than she EVER wants to know about you!" Dixie stares at the door, but doesn't seem to react much.

ON THE NEXT AMC:

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At the condo, Adam walks up to Hayley, who is still dressed like the slutty Arlene, and lovingly says: "How are you, sweetheart?" He puts his hands on her shoulders and she whips around, slamming him in the gut with her elbow. He keels over, the breath knocked out of him. Mateo stares at them, waiting for his turn to say something.

At the PV Bar and Grill Bianca accuses Erica: "You were a lot younger than I was when you first had sex, weren't you?"

Dixie stands in front of David in his office, eyes down, and says: "I just heard what Leslie said."

Leslie is on the phone in one of the doctor's offices (probably David's) and says to Tad: "It's about David. You were right about him. I'm ready to give you all the proof you need."

Irreverently Submitted

Robin "will Leslie still be in this world come March?" Coutellier